Two of my beautiful friends are grieving following the deaths of people they love. I have unintentionally become an 'expert' on the topic of grief and how to offer support, not through a university degree but through the experience of having five significant family members die when I was aged between 18 and 23 (my great grandmother, my mum, my brother, my uncle and my grandmother). Experiencing so much loss early in my life has of course been painful and sad but through my loss and grief I have experienced many riches too, such as a clearer perspective about what really matters.
After having a cup of tea with one of my friends who is in the depths of raw new grief I started to think about the ways to support people who are grieving and I remembered ways that people supported me. Making food and sharing food is a very obvious and practical way of showing your love and support to someone who is grieving, especially to someone who is having to find a way to keep their family life going while feeling broken hearted.
If you have someone in your life who is grieving and you want to support them but don't really know how here are my tips with some wholefood ideas in the mix:
1. Acknowledge the person's loss. It sounds so simple but it means so much. "I am really sorry to hear that your......has died" or write it in a card. Avoiding the person because you don't know what to say is not helpful. If they cry when you speak to them its ok, you didn't upset them, the tears were already there.
2. Offer to do their grocery shopping for them or just arrive with a bag of groceries.
3. Make a pot of soup or some meals that can be frozen. Soup is soothing and nourishing, and it is easy to eat and digest which is important when appetite is low and digestion is unsettled which can be a part of grief.
4. Organise a meals roster among friends and provide cooked meals for a few weeks.
5. Deliver a fruit bowl to your friend, it is both nourishing and visually beautiful.
6. Offer to mind their children so that they can have some space just to be with their feelings.
7. Offer to do school drop offs and pick ups. Chatting at the school gate may be the last thing a grieving parent feels like doing.
8. Bake a wholesome cake or batch of biscuits.
9. A selection of herbal teas makes a thoughtful gift, camomile is of course a good choice as is valerian to help with sleep.
10. Put together a care pack that includes a candle, lavendar oil (sometimes it is difficult to sleep when grieving a few drops on a pillow can help), a beautiful soap, a purse pack of tissues or a handkerchief and perhaps a journal for some writing if your friend likes writing.
11. Grief is not time limited. The intensity of the feelings lessen over time but the loss remains. Be mindful that your friend may have new waves of grief around anniversaries, birthdays and Christmas. A small gift or a card, or making time for a cup of tea at these times means a lot.
If you have suggestions to add to this list please do in the comments. And to all those who are in the midst of grief, go gently for as long as you need to. xxx
oh you are so beautiful, i didn't realise the extent of the loss you have experienced, oh my goodness. And this post is just so amazingly important, i am bookmarking it and updating a blog post just so i can spread it out there. thank you lovely, you are amazing.
ReplyDeleteThanks dear one. Sometimes I shy away from talking too much about my losses, not because I don't want to but because it can make other people feel awkward or uncomfortable not knowing what to say, but I have come to realise that grief is not particularly handled well in our society and that sharing our experiences really is helpful. So, thank you for your beautiful kind words and for sharing the information. xx
Deletereal, practical help...there is nothing more soothing. Knowing someone cares.
ReplyDeletecheers Kate
you have summed it up Kate 'knowing someone cares' it is so key, so simple and yet for some reason can be difficult for people to get right. Thanks for your words here x
DeleteNikki I really appreciate you sharing this. I am really sorry to hear you have experienced so much loss, particularly when you were so young . I also agree that we don't talk really know how to handle grief in our society. it's not something that's really talked about which is very sad. So thanks for the tips for taking care of loved ones. x
ReplyDeleteThanks Nat for your lovely and honest comment. I'm glad that what I have shared is positive and helpful x
ReplyDeleteThis is so lovely, a great idea to share. Food really is the most invaluable and thoughtful gift, isn't it? Kellie xx
ReplyDeletethanks Kellie for your comment here. Yes I agree food is a wonderful gift, one that I am happy to receive anytime grieving or not! :) xx
DeleteThank you for these beautiful ideas. My heart goes out to you for the losses you have experienced. I lost someone recently, I suppose we were more acquaintances, but the news was still devastating and I can't even begin to think how her close ones must feel. Peace to all. x
ReplyDeleteYour kind and thoughtful words are much appreciated. thanks for reading and leaving your comment. I am sorry to hear you have had a recent loss, as for losing close loved ones it has certainly shaped my life and I count my blessings that I actually pulled in enough support around me so that I could grow in my grief rather than let it crush me, it can go either way for people and I think it is very dependent on the support people are shown, or not shown. Peace to you too xx
DeleteI sometimes think we actually just have to 'do', as people when offered, will often so,'it's ok, we're fine', when they aren't fine. Sometimes you can just say, "i'm coming over to mow the lawn", "i'm bringing over some soup". They can say no if they really don't want it, but unlike offering, they are less likely to decline. But then that might be badgering. All I know is when I offer, help is often declined, but when I've just gone ahead and done it, it was usually welcomed.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree Andrea, it is better just to do. My husband has a saying that instead of asking, for instance, someone if they want you to chop some wood for them, you ask where's the axe? In other words you just get on with what you can see needs to be done. Thanks for your comment here x
Delete