seventeen: an anniversary

I think it is only fair to warn you, this is potentially a need-some-tissues kind of a post. I'll thank you in advance for reading this part of my family story that I felt like telling.

I was washing the dishes last Friday afternoon, staring at the suds when the date popped into my head - the 15th, the 15th of November. "Dale's anniversary" I thought.

Some years I remember, some years I don't. My next thought leapt to his best friend who lives a suburb away from me, whose children go to the same school as my River and who ironically named his first born River too; I wondered if he was remembering Dale on this day.

Dale was my only sibling, my brother who died too young and suddenly seventeen years ago. I write this not with sadness but with pure love and fondness as I feel the bond we shared and in a different form continue to share. For that is how much I have grown in my grief, how far I have come emotionally, spiritually, philosophically since that initial heart wrenching moment when the words landed in my ears that he had died.

It is a fairly unbelievable tale, but they do say life is stranger than fiction. As long time readers here know, my mum died of a sudden heart attack also seventeen years ago when my brother was 19 and I was 21. We were shocked and thrown off course by our mother's death and sadly grief consumed my brother.

It is actually impossible to explain the feelings that accompany grief. Shock, sadness, missing, longing, anger, fear, relief, confusion, nausea...they are just words. No two people grieve in the same way, even when they share a common loss as Dale and I did with our mother, the way each person grieves is as unique as their fingerprint.

Dale plummeted into 'drinking with mates' 'cause that's what blokes do, right? Where I think we're going wrong with perpetuating the Aussie drinking culture that damages and kills so many Australians each year is a whole other post and whole lot heavier than I wanted to get today but sadly for my brother and our family it was his binge drinking that killed him.

On a Friday night he was drowning his considerable sorrows at a local pub, his best friend was there and did the right thing "You've had enough, I'm driving you home", they left the pub together at 7pm. My brother asked to be dropped off not far from his house so he could buy some take away food, Dale got out at the shop and said he'd walk the rest of the way home. His friend drove off thinking he'd done the right thing.

Instead of walking home, Dale walked back to the pub and continued drinking with some other friends. they left the pub around 11pm and parted ways. Before I explain what happened, let's remember that his best friend felt Dale had drunk enough at 7pm add four more hours of drinking and you get an idea of how intoxicated my brother was by the time he attempted to walk home.

Outside the pub was a six lane highway that my brother attempted to cross in his extremely drunken state. At 11.10pm on November 15th 1996 Dale was hit by a car and died at the scene of the accident, five months to the day since our mother had died.

I thought I would never recover. I thought sometimes if I didn't force myself to stop crying that the emotion would just swallow me up and I would never be able to claw my way back...back to what?

When someone close to you dies and you are in the depths of grief you keep waiting for life to 'go back to normal', in fact it is a bit similar to when you have a baby and you land on planet newborn the depths of emotion you didn't know you had in you, crack you open and you wait and wonder 'When will life go back to normal?' Well, as anyone who has grieved or had a newborn knows this is the new normal there's no going back.

My mother's and brother's lives and deaths have shaped who I am today. I have many blessings from having known and loved them, and from losing them too. I did recover. I did more than recover, I grew. And I haven't stopped.

Blessings to each of you who are grieving or remembering their loved ones xxx

happy mother's day

Happy Mother's Day mamas! 

This year I am lucky to be with my beautiful family and friends in Auckland for Mother's Day so I don't think I will be having the unexpected meltdown I had last year due to my mum not being alive...well here's hoping! You can read about that here if you really want to (recommended reading for grieving mothers).

A few days before we headed to Auckland we had an early Mother's Day celebration, afternoon tea hosted by my beautiful sister-in-law Davini (an incredible woman and wholefood mama who needs to be part of my interview series now I think of it!) I'm pictured here with my inspirational mother-in-law Peg and equally inspirational sister-in-law Davini. Not everyone can say that about their in-laws!

I was blessed to have Davini by my side for River's birth, Davini and I regularly count our blessings that we have each other as sister-in-laws because even if we weren't relatives we'd be friends.

This day needn't be a commercial gift giving fest (unless you want it to be!) it can be whatever you make it. I know too well that some mamas would prefer to skip it because they are without their mothers or their children, I'll be thinking especially of you mamas today (Kellie x). 

Mamas whatever you're up to today as long as there are endless cups of tea with your favorite people (preferably hot tea made by someone else that you get to drink before it goes cold) then all will be well. Because we all know a good cup of tea fixes everything.

I think I've made scones twice and they were fairly underwhelming I have to admit. Davini used Stephanie Alexander's scone recipe from The Cook's Companion and aside from choosing a recipe that works, her key to success was following the rule of making great scones and that is to handle the dough with a light touch and don't overwork it.

What's happening at your place today?

11 (wholefood) tips for supporting grieving loved ones

Two of my beautiful friends are grieving following the deaths of people they love. I have unintentionally become an 'expert' on the topic of grief and how to offer support, not through a university degree but through the experience of having five significant family members die when I was aged between 18 and 23 (my great grandmother, my mum, my brother, my uncle and my grandmother). Experiencing so much loss early in my life has of course been painful and sad but through my loss and grief I have experienced many riches too, such as a clearer perspective about what really matters.

After having a cup of tea with one of my friends who is in the depths of raw new grief I started to think about the ways to support people who are grieving and I remembered ways that people supported me. Making food and sharing food is a very obvious and practical way of showing your love and support to someone who is grieving, especially to someone who is having to find a way to keep their family life going while feeling broken hearted.

If you have someone in your life who is grieving and you want to support them but don't really know how here are my tips with some wholefood ideas in the mix:

1. Acknowledge the person's loss. It sounds so simple but it means so much. "I am really sorry to hear that your......has died" or write it in a card. Avoiding the person because you don't know what to say is not helpful. If they cry when you speak to them its ok, you didn't upset them, the tears were already there.

2. Offer to do their grocery shopping for them or just arrive with a bag of groceries.

3. Make a pot of soup or some meals that can be frozen. Soup is soothing and nourishing, and it is easy to eat and digest which is important when appetite is low and digestion is unsettled which can be a part of grief.

4. Organise a meals roster among friends and provide cooked meals for a few weeks.

5. Deliver a fruit bowl to your friend, it is both nourishing and visually beautiful.

6. Offer to mind their children so that they can have some space just to be with their feelings.

7. Offer to do school drop offs and pick ups. Chatting at the school gate may be the last thing a grieving parent feels like doing.

8. Bake a wholesome cake or batch of biscuits.

9. A selection of herbal teas makes a thoughtful gift, camomile is of course a good choice as is valerian to help with sleep.

10. Put together a care pack that includes a candle, lavendar oil (sometimes it is difficult to sleep when grieving a few drops on a pillow can help), a beautiful soap, a purse pack of tissues or a handkerchief and perhaps a journal for some writing if your friend likes writing.

11. Grief is not time limited. The intensity of the feelings lessen over time but the loss remains. Be mindful that your friend may have new waves of grief around anniversaries, birthdays and Christmas. A small gift or a card, or making time for a cup of tea at these times means a lot.

If you have suggestions to add to this list please do in the comments. And to all those who are in the midst of grief, go gently for as long as you need to. xxx

heart and hope

Yesterday I surrendered to the tears I'd been holding for a few days. It was as if by holding the tears I could pretend it wasn't really true, that it hadn't really happened. Yesterday I sat and read the newspaper and let the tears flow, for those beautiful children and teachers and their families, and the whole Connecticut community.

The ensuing discussion about gun law reform in America has taken me back to the brief time I lived in Houston Texas. During the few months there I volunteered at a grief and loss agency set up to specifically support children in times of grief. I had been doing this sort of work in Melbourne before I moved to Texas and felt so grateful to have the opportunity to volunteer at this specialised agency and to learn more about American people and their society. Through this work and in my day to day conversations with people, I quickly learnt about the warmth and generosity of Southern hospitality and the deep religious faith that threaded the community together. I also learnt about the deeply embedded gun culture, particularly through the grief and loss work where gun related causes of death were commonplace rather than a rarity as they had been at the agency I worked with in Melbourne.

I am tremendously grateful gun ownership is not commonplace in Australia and is not part of our social mindset. I am thankful that the Howard government took action with the gun buy back following the Port Arthur massacre in Tasmania.

I wish President Obama a clear path to take action on gun law reform and in turn reduce gun related violence and death for American people.

Last night, I searched around other blogs to see what others were expressing at this incomprehensible time and was heartened by Amanda and Jodi's posts.

May peace and gentleness pervail xxx

eat well now

Over the past few months I've been reading Kris Carr and Jessica Ainscough's blogs with interest. These green smoothie drinking, plant eating, life loving gals are inspiring people the world over to live well. Now! For those of you who don't know their stories, Kris is an American woman who was diagnosed with a rare, incurable (thankfully slow-growing) cancer and has gone on to write 5 books, make a film and write a blog about the path she has taken in confronting cancer. Jess is a 26 year old Australian woman who was diagnosed four years ago with a rare form of cancer in her arm and shoulder, the only option for survival offered to Jess was amputation. Jess declined having her arm amputated, said no thanks to chemo and set off on her own path of healing which she blogs about at the Wellness Warrior.

Jess and Kris are inspirations not just to people with cancer. I am so captivated by Jess and Kris' stories because intrinsic in their message is one that is close to my own heart and that is to "Live Well NOW!" or as some put it "Prevention is Hot!" The health odds are stacked against the majority of people living in developed countries who 'get by' on processed food, and are immersed in pollution and stress. Modern living is toxic on many levels and it takes consciousness and commitment to swim in a different more vibrant stream.

The seeds for my own inspiration to live well and inspire others to do so were planted in me early. The biggest catalyst occurred when I was 21 and my mother died suddenly of an unexpected heart attack. My mum was 44 years young and had no obvious symptoms of heart disease. Her father died at the same age of a heart attack and my mum certainly was not on the prevention is hot train. No. In many ways my dear mum was reckless with her life and her health. Mum was a smoker, drinker, didn't exercise, skipped meals and had plenty of stress to tie all that together. Now that I am a mother I understand my own mum at a deeper level. I miss her greatly. I am grateful for the time I had with her and grateful that I have the awareness and courage to live my life differently. Mum's death elevated my desire to look after myself. In the sixteen years since my mum passed I have made peace with my body image issues that plagued me since early childhood, I found yoga and I have committed myself to a diet and lifestyle that nourishes me. Sure I stray from my path but overall I feel so fortunate that I am living the life I am.

Since having my own family and trading restaurant meals for ones I cook myself my writing focus has shifted. When I was living in Melbourne, reviewing restaurants and writing about mainstream food I was up with the latest cafe, which chef was at which restaurant, which flavours and ingredients were the ones on everyone's lips; one of my editors referred to me as 'newshound Nikki' if there were sheets of newspaper covering a shopfront I'd be tapping on the door to see what was happening, hunting out the next cafe story. I had fun and wouldn't change a minute of it (well maybe the inedible duck rillettes at restaurant unmentionable that just about put me off eating duck for life) but I am glad that I have grown and moved forward in my health and ultimately my happiness.

To deepen my commitment to this path I've been researching nutrition courses, deciding which one to  enrol in next year. I am hungry for knowledge and hungry to share what I know and believe in. I've been tap tap tapping away writing my first ebook that will hopefully be ready early next year to inspire you to take, or keep your family on the wellness path.

So, my Wholefood Mama friends don't wait to get sick to get well! If you aren't already living as though your life and your health are gifts to be cherished and nurtured I ask you why? You deserve to. And your family and friends deserve to have you for a very long, healthy and happy lifetime.

Now its over to you. What are your thoughts on committing to the wellness path? Challenges? Triumphs? Do tell. Oh and if any readers have studied nutrition and would recommend the course I'd love to hear that too. Thanks for reading. x

a kitchen garden window

Although I'm 37 years young I feel like I'm getting old because of my newfound interest in creating gardens. This small garden of succulents, herbs and flowers is the view I now have from my kitchen window where I stand about four times a day to wash dishes. It is a simple collection of plants and symbols I've gathered over the past six months since I decided to transform the overgrown patch of dirt and concrete that was there before. I was inspired by my great friend Sally who planted a memorial garden outside her inner city home, a garden about this size, for her friend whose baby died. Sally's plot is always bursting with colours, and when passers by stop to admire the flowers Sally tells them it is in honor of a baby who died. In my own garden the yellow silk heart flag is in memory of my dear friend Luci's baby girl Sunny who was stillborn, sweet beautiful Sunny. The colourful ceramic rooster a wedding present from my long time friend Kylie, I love the colour and character it adds to my patch of dirt. I'm still adding to this garden space, still dreaming of new shapes, colours, symbols...a boat in memory of my late great brother in law Peter Malcolm...a symbol to honor my late brother...and when I see them I plant marigolds for my mum. Mosaic tiles made by my boys and I are on my wishlist too. Pete, my husband, can't understand why I'd plant anything we can't eat. Pete tends the vegie garden in our backyard with great attention to the soil, the planting, the harvest. Lettuce and carrots have their own beauty but for me the colour and beauty of flowers is nourishing too. As my great grandmother Emily Rowe taught all the children in our family "dirt is good for your soul". Happy gardening.