10 lessons from 10 years of parenting

10 years ago last Friday Pete and I became parents.

A beautiful baby boy came into the world, we named him River and he continues to delight and intrigue us, to challenge us and indirectly call us to be better versions of ourselves.

Decade birthdays feel like milestones more than the others, even River said on his tenth birthday, "Mum, you know how people ask if you feel different when you turn a year older? Well usually I don't but this year I do".

There is no one handbook for parenting that has all the answers. Although, I do love the series of books by Sarah Napthali 

The work of raising children is more complex than what can be found in a book. You see, the challenge and joy in parenting is that each soul has its own purpose to fullfil, its own karmic journey.

Yes I believe in the woo woo, the wider cosmic story that takes us down paths we sometimes don't know why we're following. I believe it is this bigger story, the unfinished business from previous generations that comes through in our DNA that adds to the variables of what 'works' with one child and not with the other.

I don't have all the answers but I thought from my ten years of parenting I'd share some of what I've learnt so far:

1. Honour the soul of the individual child. This is how I parent. Yes I know that sounds woo woo too but there you go. This by no means means I make excuses or allowances for my boys in some hippy trippy kind of way it means I notice the differences in my kids and parent them accordingly. My two sons have different personalities, different interests, different strengths and weaknesses, different lessons to learn in this life and I aim to honor these differences in the way I parent. This means noticing what they're interested in and supporting and encouraging them to pursue those interests and talents, even when they're resistant. And it means setting boundaries and expectations to help them overcome what I can see is challenging for them.

2. Teach your child responsibility from a young age. There's no point waiting until your child becomes a teenager and then expecting them to instantly be responsible and start picking up after themselves. Start early. I know it feels easier and quicker to do things yourself but it doesn't help anyone in the long run, not you, not your child, not their future boss or future partner.

3. Say yes. I learnt this one from a dear friend who is a wise mother of four and grandmother of four. When your child asks you to play with them, forget the dishes and play with them. The childhood years are fleeting. There will come a day where they won't want to kick a ball with you, draw pictures with you, play monopoly with you (no not monopoly! anything but monopoly!) Play. Good for you, good for them. Watch how happy it makes them. But more than that it is a case of actions speak louder than words, you are showing your child you love them and are interested in what they're doing rather than just telling them.

4. Don't hide behind your children. It took me a while to realise this, sometimes I was using my children as an excuse for not doing things personally and professionally. Ouch! That was hard to admit. There were things that I would put off under the guise of 'my children need me' when really my children will always need me in one form or another so if there are things I want or need to do for myself then it is a matter of making it happen. The making it happen part can be tricky if you are one like me who struggles to ask for help or let someone else take over for a while. Keep it in mind.

5. Practice communicating clearly and openly with your partner about parenting. What happens when one parent is cool with video games and the other isn't? Eating junk food? Watching tv everyday? Smacking? Time out? Being on a different page from your partner about how to raise your children can be the source of so much tension. And the problem is these are not really things most people discuss until they are on the job and the children are in front of them! The only way to deal with this is directly and honestly - but not in the heat of the moment. Over a cup of tea, a glass of wine, take a walk together, talking things through when you're both relaxed is the ideal way. And if it is really tough for you to work this out together then consider talking with a counsellor together. It is really important to get this right because mixed messages to your children doesn't help them.

6. Make it a priority to keep your own cup full. I have a friend who schedules in massages and facials into her diary like she does a dentist appointment. She doesn't feel guilty for making time for herself. At this stage my finances don't allow for monthly massages and facials but a walk on the beach is free, a cup of coffee is cheap, time with girlfriends is priceless. Making time to hear your own thoughts and re-connect with who you are is actually vital to the health, happiness and well-being of your whole family.

7. Nurture self-esteem. With both of my children in school now I've come to realise that nurturing their self-esteem is really the best thing we can do as parents to help see them through life's storms and joys. And one of the best ways to do this is to provide them with opportunities to find out what they're good at or what they enjoy and encourage them. I witnessed this when my youngest son started playing tennis, it came easily to him, he walked taller because of it. Jobs around the house play an important role in this too believe it or not. Having a sense of belonging and purpose is important for well-being, by giving our children responsibilities around the house we are giving them the opportunity to feel a sense of belonging, that they are valued, that what they contribute matters and in turn an opportunity to feel good about themselves. You can read more about self-esteem here.

8. Get to know your children's friends and their parents. Socialisation is a huge part of parenting. Teaching your children how to be in social situations through leading by example is something I think is important. Having their friends over, having your friends over are great opportunities to teach your kids about how to communicate and how to be a good friend. Socialising doesn't come naturally and easily to everyone, parents included! But I think it is a really important part of life and something to share with our children. By having your children's friends in your house from a young age I believe you are setting up open lines of communication that will help you through the teenage years. Which leads me to my next point...

9. Each stage prepares you for the next stage. I remember talking to a mum of grown up sons asking her secret for surviving the teenage years and her answer brought me so much relief 'each stage prepares you for the next stage' and how true it is. Now that my boys are in primary school, those new born days are but a memory. The challenges of surviving on little to no sleep, daytime naps, introducing solid food, things that consumed my days and thoughts are over and we have slipped into the next stage, almost without noticing and we are dancing and weaving our way through this stage as we will with all the rest ahead.

10. Enjoy your children. I've saved the best til last. In the midst of family life it can be all too easy to forget to enjoy our time together. Each age and stage bring challenges but it is so important to enjoy this precious time.

This turned out to be much longer than I thought. I hope there's something useful in there for you!
I'd love to hear your take on raising children.

seasons

Like seasons in the weather there are seasons in our lives.

As the rain fell in fat drops this morning Sol sat inside at Cakes and Ale looking so grown up drinking an apple juice while I tried to dodge getting wet taking this photo.

Each winter for as long as he can remember my husband has chased the sun. And now as a family when the chill hits Victoria we head north. This year to Alice Springs where Pete will work with Indigenous Elders and the boys and I will immerse ourselves in a place we have never spent time in before. There is nothing like travel for stretching our experience and view of the world.

While I've never been much of a winter person, I do my best to embrace the changing seasons. Sure I'm looking forward to soaking up some winter sun but over the past month I've been enjoying the winter light and colours here on the Peninsula, our wood fire, endless pots of soup and slow cooked meals, adding layers to my winter wardrobe with local op shop finds and generally hibernating and being a bit more 'inner'.

My family entered a new season this year with Sol, our youngest, starting school. The baby/toddler/pre school years are officially over. Like any transition there's been some bumpy moments and we're all finding our new places but nearly 6 months in we're settling well. As with most seasonal changes it is rarely what your prediction might lead you to imagine.

Embrace the season.

Do you have a favorite?

the I in family

When I was 30 I studied zen shiatsu. I remember the first class sitting in the circle of about 20 students of all ages and walks of life, listening to people tell their story as we went around introducing ourselves.

To this day, the only person in that circle that stands out in my memory is a softly spoken woman in her forties whose vulnerability and nervousness was obvious and the feeling behind her words incomprehensible to me, "I'm here because I've spent the last twenty years of my life raising my children and I haven't really had many interests outside of that so I thought I would try this out."

How could this happen?! My pre-baby self thought. How could any woman's sense of self disappear just because she became a mother and wife?! This woman seemed so lovely and at the same time seemed so, well, lost.

In that moment I vowed to myself that when I had children I would never let that happen to me. I would maintain my sense of self and continue to grow outside of being a wife and mother.

About six weeks into the shiatsu course I found out I was pregnant with River. I was beyond thrilled.

I finished the course but never did return to further my study in shiatsu, and now sitting here just turned forty and eight years into motherhood I have to say I have a whole new understanding of the mother in that circle.

As any mother reading this will know it is VERY easy to become lost in family life. And it is especially easy if like me, you have always been very maternal so have always adored being with children, but also if you are a people pleaser who doesn't like to rock the boat (unless it really needs rocking) and who thinks taking time out or asking for help is selfish and a sign of weakness. That was hard to write.

Without getting too psychoanalytical, I know that these tendencies are rooted deeply in my being and I am only at the beginning of being aware of them and changing my ways. Why change? Because they are no longer serving me. Up until now I have been genuinely happy being so devoted to my family in a way that even some of my closest friends marvel at and don't understand.

However if I'm honest, somewhere along the line I confused being a loving mother and wife with being available on tap to my family and giving, sometimes even when there was very little left to give.

With my youngest turning 5 next month and starting school next year we are entering a new season of family life and a bit like the woman in the shiatsu class I am at a new place of finding myself.

I feel relieved that I 'woke up' before I was completely lost and perhaps filled with regret or worse resentment. I can actively attend to what needs to change within me and continue to give of myself from a full cup rather than running on empty.

Watch this space.

Do you sometimes feel lost in your role as wife and/or mother? What are your tips for self-preservation and self-love? Your words might just help a mum who really needs it.

monday musings: on creativity

I dipped my toe in the water late last year beginning an occasional series on a monday venturing sideways from wholefood. It began with a post on blogging, then on birth and today the series returns with this post on creativity.

We are all creative beings. It is easy though for life to get in the way of exploring and nurturing our creative heart. Unfortunately it falls to the bottom of the priority list because making our art is often deemed self-indulgent or not as important as tending to washing, cooking, cleaning, relationships and so on. Yes all those things are important but when was the last time you set aside an hour to paint or write or sing for no other reason than to be creative? And not felt guilty about it.

Just hearing the word 'creative' or 'artistic' can make people recoil from it thinking "that's not me, I'm not creative and I'm definitely not artistic." Well I don't think that's true. It is so important to fill your creative cup so that you can rise the challenges and opportunities presented to you each day. If you nourish your creative heart you will find this lifts your energy and will overflow into all that has become mundane. There is opportunity to express and explore our artistry in everything we do from the way we dress to the way we cook.

Here's a story about my journey with creativity. Thirteen years ago I found myself stranded in Vancouver, Canada. I discovered many things about myself during this time and a book that became a friend was Julia Cameron's 'The Artist's Way'. I had traveled to Vancouver from Houston, Texas to renew my visa and re-enter America. Or so I thought that's what I was going to do. My visa application was denied. I spent a week in Vancouver before flying home to Australia, leaving a long time boyfriend in Texas. This was the end of our relationship and the beginning of a very big next chapter of my life including stepping deeper into my creativity, not only in my writing but also in various mediums as a way of getting to know myself better (which sounds corny when I read that but it's true!)

For those unfamiliar with Julia's book it is written as a 12 week course to 'discover and recover your creative self'. It's a wonderful book that will challenge and rattle any fixed beliefs you have about creativity and what you allow or don't allow yourself to do. For instance if you usually paint but think you might like to sing but don't consider yourself a singer, Julia encourages you to bringing singing into your day anyway. Julia provides great strategies to overcome obstacles to being creative, obstacle such as fear and the perception of having no time to tend to our creative longings.

I really believe that tapping into our creative well is a way of feeling fulfilled. If it is something you have let slide to the bottom of your list I hope this post inspires you to dive into your creative world or set about finding what makes your heart sing. The world could do with a little more colour and song.

Happy Monday :)

Share your story in the comments of finding your creative passion or if you're feeling stuck share that too, someone reading may have just the answer for you.

happy mother's day

Happy Mother's Day mamas! 

This year I am lucky to be with my beautiful family and friends in Auckland for Mother's Day so I don't think I will be having the unexpected meltdown I had last year due to my mum not being alive...well here's hoping! You can read about that here if you really want to (recommended reading for grieving mothers).

A few days before we headed to Auckland we had an early Mother's Day celebration, afternoon tea hosted by my beautiful sister-in-law Davini (an incredible woman and wholefood mama who needs to be part of my interview series now I think of it!) I'm pictured here with my inspirational mother-in-law Peg and equally inspirational sister-in-law Davini. Not everyone can say that about their in-laws!

I was blessed to have Davini by my side for River's birth, Davini and I regularly count our blessings that we have each other as sister-in-laws because even if we weren't relatives we'd be friends.

This day needn't be a commercial gift giving fest (unless you want it to be!) it can be whatever you make it. I know too well that some mamas would prefer to skip it because they are without their mothers or their children, I'll be thinking especially of you mamas today (Kellie x). 

Mamas whatever you're up to today as long as there are endless cups of tea with your favorite people (preferably hot tea made by someone else that you get to drink before it goes cold) then all will be well. Because we all know a good cup of tea fixes everything.

I think I've made scones twice and they were fairly underwhelming I have to admit. Davini used Stephanie Alexander's scone recipe from The Cook's Companion and aside from choosing a recipe that works, her key to success was following the rule of making great scones and that is to handle the dough with a light touch and don't overwork it.

What's happening at your place today?

this week in my wholefood kitchen

"I love chicken soup" came the cry from Sol this morning when I placed a bowl before him to eat for breakfast. He devoured every last drop and then announced with a mixture of pride and surprise "I love carrots now!" Ordinarily he would do his best to drink the broth and leave the carrot in the bowl. Not an easy task.

The chicken soup for breakfast was for River's benefit as he is fending off a change of season cold. I didn't manage to whip the camera out this morning to photograph the soup but as you can see there are a series of photos above that I am hoping will give you a couple of inspired ideas for simple yet delicious real food options to enjoy with your family.

My whole aim with keeping this blog is to celebrate wholefood and show that eating well is easy with a little planning. Posting recipes regularly though is not my strong point. It occurred to me though that even just a series of photos or a list of meal and snack ideas can be enough to help when inspiration is low.

Sunday night we were very lucky to have calamari, mashed potato and ratatouille. I say very lucky because the calamari was fresh, Pete caught it in the bay. I sliced it into strips rolled it in flour and cooked it in butter. Pete made the ratatouille with eggplants and onions from our local farm and tomatoes and herbs from our garden. The calamari, mash and ratatouille was a memorable combination. I didn't photograph that meal either but wanted to share the idea.

Now, on to the photos.

1. Rice noodle salad. This was a classic case of "I have no idea what we are going to have for dinner tonight but whatever we're having, I am making it with ingredients we have". And those ingredients were: rice paper noodles, avocado, cherry tomatoes, mixed lettuce leaves, carrots cut into small dice, basil from garden, tuna and olives. Dressed with olive oil and apple cider vinegar. The dressing might sound a little curious but as I said I was going with what was on hand and that was the combination I felt like, you could definitely be more adventurous.

2. Classic anzac biscuits. I made these as part of a meal hamper I put together for a school mama and her family, the mama has recently given birth to a beautiful little girl her third baby and I wholeheartedly believe in cooking for new mamas. In fact, any reason I can find to cook for people I'll take. New baby, moving house, sick children, sick dog. You get the picture. The joy for me yes is in the cooking but also the giving, I love giving presents and in this case it is more than the food it is the gift of time, the gift of not having to wash pots and pans. 

Speaking of giving, my friend Robin heard River was not well and messaged me offering to drop in carrots, celery, onions and thyme from her farm so I could make broth. I just love how we mamas find ways to support each other and how once we are on a wholefood path we connect with wholefood friends who know and value all the riches real food have to offer.

3. Spinach and fetta pie. Along with a garden salad, the pie was the main part of the new mama hamper. When I delivered it to my friend at school pick up she said, "It has been so nice today not having to think about what to cook for dinner." The thinking and deciding is often the hardest part!

4. This pretty as a flower squash arrived home with Pete from a friend's veggie garden. The basil leaves are from our garden and were waiting to be added to a salad.

5. We are about to harvest our remaining cherry tomatoes for this season. I love the process of growing vegetables of being as excited as a child, to see the tiny signs of first fruits appearing on the bush and then when the first fruit begin to ripen and then moving (hopefully) into an abundant crop where you can hardly bear to look at another tomato, and then tapering off to see the crop finish and savouring the last fruits as at the beginning of the cycle, as if they were gold. If you never grow food, you can never know the feeling of witnessing this cycle up close...back to the salad pictured...cherry tomatoes from our garden were halved and tossed into a bowl of mixed lettuce leaves, along with avocado, garlic chives, spring onions, red capsicum, green capsicum, and snow peas. It was a delicious salad that we enjoyed with organic beef schnitzel from Cherry Tree Organics.

The rest of the week will see more chicken soup, a spinach pie for us, whiting and salad and perhaps some dahl.

What's happening in your kitchen?

wholefood mama maintenance

When was the last time you had a medical check up? Or visited your natural health practitioner?

I recently had a blood test to check my cholesterol level, triglycerides, iron, vitamin D, thyroid function etc; I do this every two years mainly because my mum died very unexpectedly at age 44 of a heart attack and because I believe so much that prevention is better than cure. Don't wait to get sick to get well!

The test results came back showing I was anaemic (low in iron). Tiredness is a common side effect of being anaemic and there I was thinking I was tired from Sol waking me up every night. After all, aren't all mothers tired? Well apparently not. And there is a difference between feeling tired and feeling exhausted to the bone and no amount of rest or sleep can restore your energy.

Anaemia has been an on and off problem for me since giving birth to River almost 7 years ago. It is not because I don't have enough iron in my diet but more so an absorption issue.

I decided to write about this here because I think many mothers put their own health and wellness at the bottom of their very full to do list and it really needs to be at the top.

I booked in to see my local Chinese medicine practitioner and spent an hour receiving acupuncture, shiatsu, wisdom and herbs. In addition to taking the herbs it was recommended I have a daily root vegetable juice, drink plenty of water and also chlorophyll. It was not recommended I sit down to a great big steak which is a common thought, that meat is the answer to anaemia, eating big amounts of red meat if your digestion is weak will make you more tired! I am enjoying the ritual of making the juice and now that the weather has finally cooled I have made a bone stock. The herbs have made a huge difference to my energy in just 10 days of taking them. The words of wisdom I received that I think will resonate with many mothers is to do things in your own time on your own terms, set goals that work for the present always with an ideal in mind that will be more possible in the future.

In your own time, on your own terms. Don't you love that? This applies to so many aspects of mothering and looking after yourself while you are busily focused on looking after all those around you. For instance, weaning, co-sleeping, practicing yoga, changing your family's diet. Your ideal might be to attend a yoga class twice a week but for now a yoga DVD at home is more achievable. Your ideal might be for your family to eat wholefood home cooked meals three times a day but for now you are focusing on wholefood breakfasts and saying goodbye to boxed cereals and white toast every morning.

What are you doing to take care of you mama? Do you find it hard to do?

monday musings: birth

After my blog on post last Monday and this Monday being inspired to write about birth, I think Monday could become my non food blogging day.

Pete and I had a rare date afternoon out at party on the weekend. I met a woman there, pregnant with her first child and due to give birth in a few months. She was hungry. Not for party food, for information about how she could birth her babe without ending up having a caesarean. Sigh. What a shame the dominant culture of pregnancy and birth in Australia is so fear based. Right from the confirmation of pregnancy the testing and monitoring begins, the possibility of induction and caesarean looming.

I am not a midwife or doctor or expert in pregnancy and birth. This post is based on my own experience of giving birth to my two sons without drugs or medical intervention of any kind - no epidural, no gas, no episiotomy, no stitching. I count myself as blessed for having two beautiful very straight forward birth experiences. Also, I acknowledge that medical intervention is at times necessary and I do not discount in any way that there are times when delivery by caesarean is a life saving procedure.

What I want to share today is a list of things I did to prepare for birth that I found tremendously helpful and to share some links and references that may be of interest to women preparing for birth.

I believe in preparing for birth - physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally.

The points below are things that have worked for me. I would love you to add things that have worked for you in the comments section and your thoughts on giving birth, how to handle medicos, birth teams and preparation. Given that we live in times where some women have not even held a baby until they have one of their own, I think sharing stories about birth is vitally important.

Birth can be blissful and exhilarating.

I wrote this list for a friend who I am close to but only see a few times a year and we move in different friendship circles, she explained to me that her friends are 'all for epidurals', and like the woman I met at the party they both said "the main thing I don't want is a caesarean". 

My friend who I sent this list to replied with "thanks for the vote of confidence that I can do it". While I don't think it is the total intention of the medical profession, I do think there is a lot of undermining women's confidence to birth naturally that happens.

Take or leave what resonates or doesn't for you on this list. And if making a comment please remember this is my personal experience.

Face your fears - write down or talk with a trusted friend, relative or midwife. Someone who will really hear you not brush you off. Another friend who had her first baby by emergency caesarean, when she was pregnant with her second baby which was also to be born by caesarean she told her obstetrician she was scared about the caesarean and the doctor's response was a curt "everybody's scared". Not good enough! I really believe it is so important to be heard. If you are really scared about something your body holds the fear. Birth is about letting go. Practice letting go while you are pregnant. Before Sol's birth I had a counseling session with a highly regarded and experienced midwife and counselor, Rhea Dempsey. I found it really helpful talking through with her in a very open way who I wanted to be at the birth. I let go of the fear about who would or wouldn't be there. The more we can let go of fear and move into trust the better.

Affirmations - hold a clear vision in your heart and mind daily that you believe in your body and in your baby to work together and have a beautiful birth. The birth is not all up to you, babies know how to be born trust your baby and talk to him/her.

Get to know your body - my biggest fear when I was pregnant with River was tearing and stitches! I now know a woman's body has an incredible ability to stretch well beyond what the mind can conceive, especially if we are relaxed enough. Perenial massage is recommended by a lot of midwives in the last couple of months of pregnancy to help soften and stretch the area for baby to come out. Some women find this confronting but again it is about facing fears and having the courage to do what needs to be done. Birth calls us to trust and go beyond the limitations of the conscious mind. Yoga and swimming were great for me, walking too all helped with good positioning for baby, with breathing, with relaxation and energy.

I also found chiropractic care during both of my pregnancies was fantastic for helping the baby position well and for taking care of my posture.

Hypnobirthing - mental preparation and relaxation. I listened to a hypnobirthing CD daily for about the last month of both my pregnancy's and I also had a hypnotherapy session during each pregnancy.

Spiritual preparation - this can take the form of meditation or journaling, prayers or letter writing. Taking time to connect with that which is greater than all of us, whatever that means to you.

Be brutally honest with yourself about who you want to support you during labour - this is really important because you have to feel completely safe, confident and inspired by the people with you that they believe in you and know what you want and are prepared to help you achieve it. 

It's so important that you can be uninhibited with whoever you are with, that goes for feeling uninhibited about nudity and noise. Sound is a very important part of giving birth, particularly in the final stage while pushing. After two hours of pushing during River's birth, it wasn't until the midwife directed me to make deep guturral sounds from low down in my body did he begin to emerge.

I was so blessed to have my sister-in-law at River's birth. Davini gave birth to her four children, including twins, at home in water. I was also blessed to have my dear friend Mette, and my friend Renee who I have been friends since we were thirteen. Mette also had three wonderful natural births experiences with her daughters. I felt so inspired by Davini and Mette, between them they had birthed 7 children, if they could do it so could I! And I felt very supported and comforted by Renee's gentle and nurturing presence. 

There is a saying that the baby chooses who will be there. For Sol's birth I was struggling to come up with my birth team, it wasn't as simple as choosing the same team again. The thought even crossed my mind that I would just do it myself! (Which is a typical thought of my independent nature). As it happened, I laboured for an hour on my own at home and then we headed to my friend Luci's to drop off River on the way to the hospital and Sol arrived rapidly in Luci's bathroom with Pete on the phone to 000 and Luci delivering the baby. My aunt was in the house with River, Luci's son Jack and our other dear friend Anthea and her son Tiarnach were there too. In my heart of hearts I wanted Luci and Pete to be at the birth and I wanted my aunt nearby but not actually in with me, so I had the birth team I truly wanted and having Anthea and all the children near was a joyful bonus. Trust and remain open.

Drugs and labour - both my labours were drug free - that is synthetic drug free. I was fascinated to learn when I was pregnant with River, that when you are in labor and you are truly in the zone your body releases its own 'drugs' that support you through the labor and at the other side of it you will be completely naturally high.

Rethinking pain - a friend who has had 3 straight forward natural births told me to think of contractions as 'pressure not pain'. It is the pressure of your baby's head on your cervix that brings on the contractions. I found this helpful.

Overdue? - if you are overdue and your doc is talking induction there are plenty of natural induction methods to try before booking in to be induced. I used acupuncture and with River who was 14 days 'overdue' the old school midwife gave me a dose of caster oil at lunchtime and I was in labour by midnight. With Sol I used acupuncture and homeopathy. Its my understanding that when women are medically induced the contractions come harder and faster than if you go into labor naturally and it makes it harder to handle. 

And you may do all this and have a caesarean for whatever reason, I always remained open to the fact that it was a possibility that may end up out of my hands, all the while focusing strongly on natural birth and believing I could do it.

Books 

Gentle Birth Gentle Mothering - Dr Sarah Buckley 

The natural way to better birth and bonding - by Francesca Naish & Jeanette Roberts (these women are naturopaths and mothers and have written a whole series of excellent books, The Natural way to Better Breastfeeding is the only book you need about breastfeeding in my humble opinion!)

Other Links

Calmbirth workshops - are birth preparation classes that focus on providing skills and knowledge to have an empowering birth. My friend Lael Stone is a calmbirth instructor based in Melbourne. I did not do the calmbirth workshop but I have a number of friends who have and found them to be a very positive experience.

International College of Spiritual Midwifery - my beautiful sister-in-law Davini Malcolm is a Director of this organisation that is dedicated to providing information and programs to empower women in the birth process.

To all the pregnant mamas I wish you many many blessings on birthing your babes. Happy, healthy mamas and babies are the of course the outcome we want for every birth. Each baby and mother unique, as is each birth. X

(the photo is of our sweet baby Sol two hours in the world)

mamabake

Imagine having a weeks worth of home-cooked, nutritious, made with love dinners prepared ahead of cranky, hungry children o'clock. Couple that with the fact you had fun making said dinners with your girlfriends while your children played together. This is happening in kitchens all around the world thanks to a couple of smart thinking Aussie mums.

If you are familiar with the fun loving, big batch cooking Mamabake ladies you will know what I'm talking about. As their tagline says Mamabake is - "liberating mothers across the world through group big batch baking."

It all started with a gift of lasagne from one mama to another. That gift equalled more than a nutritious meal that Michelle Shearer didn't have to cook, it equalled something that is gold to all mothers - TIME TO HERSELF. 

Michelle writes on the Mamabake blog about receiving the lasagne and gaining time to surf:

"That got me thinking about sharing the domestic burden and sharing chores.  But, we couldn’t share everything, that would be too huge.  But we could take on one chore and share that.  Cooking. And so MamaBake was born."

So how does Mamabake work?

A group (generally 4-6 mamas but can be any number) of mamas come together and each cook a big batch meal that is then divided up so that everyone leaves with enough of each meal to feed their family.

(note handstand extraordinaire in the background)

For the bargain price of $4.95 you can buy a Mamabake Big Batch recipe ebook that includes not only big batch dinner recipes but lunch box ideas too for a week's worth of not thinking about what to put in school lunches. Yay for that.

Check out their site here  or go on over and like them on facebook and you'll be rewarded with an entertaining and informative stream of Mamabake goodness. If you sign up to become a Mamabake member you have the chance to win a holiday for 4 to Bali.

All sounds good to me!

eat well now

Over the past few months I've been reading Kris Carr and Jessica Ainscough's blogs with interest. These green smoothie drinking, plant eating, life loving gals are inspiring people the world over to live well. Now! For those of you who don't know their stories, Kris is an American woman who was diagnosed with a rare, incurable (thankfully slow-growing) cancer and has gone on to write 5 books, make a film and write a blog about the path she has taken in confronting cancer. Jess is a 26 year old Australian woman who was diagnosed four years ago with a rare form of cancer in her arm and shoulder, the only option for survival offered to Jess was amputation. Jess declined having her arm amputated, said no thanks to chemo and set off on her own path of healing which she blogs about at the Wellness Warrior.

Jess and Kris are inspirations not just to people with cancer. I am so captivated by Jess and Kris' stories because intrinsic in their message is one that is close to my own heart and that is to "Live Well NOW!" or as some put it "Prevention is Hot!" The health odds are stacked against the majority of people living in developed countries who 'get by' on processed food, and are immersed in pollution and stress. Modern living is toxic on many levels and it takes consciousness and commitment to swim in a different more vibrant stream.

The seeds for my own inspiration to live well and inspire others to do so were planted in me early. The biggest catalyst occurred when I was 21 and my mother died suddenly of an unexpected heart attack. My mum was 44 years young and had no obvious symptoms of heart disease. Her father died at the same age of a heart attack and my mum certainly was not on the prevention is hot train. No. In many ways my dear mum was reckless with her life and her health. Mum was a smoker, drinker, didn't exercise, skipped meals and had plenty of stress to tie all that together. Now that I am a mother I understand my own mum at a deeper level. I miss her greatly. I am grateful for the time I had with her and grateful that I have the awareness and courage to live my life differently. Mum's death elevated my desire to look after myself. In the sixteen years since my mum passed I have made peace with my body image issues that plagued me since early childhood, I found yoga and I have committed myself to a diet and lifestyle that nourishes me. Sure I stray from my path but overall I feel so fortunate that I am living the life I am.

Since having my own family and trading restaurant meals for ones I cook myself my writing focus has shifted. When I was living in Melbourne, reviewing restaurants and writing about mainstream food I was up with the latest cafe, which chef was at which restaurant, which flavours and ingredients were the ones on everyone's lips; one of my editors referred to me as 'newshound Nikki' if there were sheets of newspaper covering a shopfront I'd be tapping on the door to see what was happening, hunting out the next cafe story. I had fun and wouldn't change a minute of it (well maybe the inedible duck rillettes at restaurant unmentionable that just about put me off eating duck for life) but I am glad that I have grown and moved forward in my health and ultimately my happiness.

To deepen my commitment to this path I've been researching nutrition courses, deciding which one to  enrol in next year. I am hungry for knowledge and hungry to share what I know and believe in. I've been tap tap tapping away writing my first ebook that will hopefully be ready early next year to inspire you to take, or keep your family on the wellness path.

So, my Wholefood Mama friends don't wait to get sick to get well! If you aren't already living as though your life and your health are gifts to be cherished and nurtured I ask you why? You deserve to. And your family and friends deserve to have you for a very long, healthy and happy lifetime.

Now its over to you. What are your thoughts on committing to the wellness path? Challenges? Triumphs? Do tell. Oh and if any readers have studied nutrition and would recommend the course I'd love to hear that too. Thanks for reading. x

fill your cup

Six women, a newborn, a toddler and a preschooler, we gathered in a local cafe by the sea for morning tea to celebrate a friend's birthday. The gathering started and ended with tears, not from the children, from the mothers. That's how it is sometimes when we women get together. Over coffee, chai and decadent housemade lamingtons standing tall covered with chocolate icing and shredded coconut, we talked, shared, remembered, laughed and cried. My friend Luci and I say its not a catch up unless one of us cries. And then through tears we crack up laughing at ourselves. 

An hour or almost two spent together at a long wooden table, our chatter ranged from children starting school, new leather carry bag show and tell, to making cheese, milking goats, making bread, marvellous mother in laws, numerology, technology, television, cookbooks, Byron Bay, healing cancer, babysitting, massage...and it was time for me to leave and head back to my day with Sol. Thanks ladies for filling me up with your friendship and stories. And that goes for you online ladies too my new friends whose words and pictures I think of at various mummy moments in the day, when I'm washing the dishes, planning a story in my head, working out what to cook for dinner, dashing out the door to do the school run. It fills me up to know we're all in this together.

what if?

Do you ever allow "what if?" to hold you back? To keep you in your comfort zone, stay surrounded by the familiar. You have an idea, a flash of inspiration or a long held dream and any step of action is thwarted by a negative answer to "what if?" Hard to admit but I am guilty of this and it has taken me until almost 40 to even realise!! I had until recently, told myself that by thinking about the 'what ifs?' I was being a realist, thinking things through. Not so at all.

I have had some fantastic opportunities come my way and on recent reflection I feel like I haven't really lived every inch of them. I've played it safe and small. Ouch, again hard to admit. Why have I done this? Because, what if it doesn't work out? what if people don't like it? what if I lose money and time? what if I start and then don't know how to continue? what if I had to say no to someone? ...what if? what if? what if?

Well, the truth is this sort of thinking is completely crippling. It is also a habit. A habit that can be broken. Thankfully this new found awareness was lovingly brought to my attention by some nearest and dearest and I can make changes to free myself from this affliction starting with returning to yoga to clear my mind and calm my nervous edge, by taking my friend Bron up on the offer of a massage and turning off the negative 'what if?' button in my brain, and then getting on with as the saying goes 'feeling the fear and doing it anyway'. 

For me this feeling has not coincided with motherhood, it existed long before; but I know for some women it does coincide with motherhood, as becoming a mother can simultaneously expand a woman's creative and loving heart and mind in the most wonderful ways and reduce it painfully in others. The reducing can also take away confidence. If you can relate to this, I always find the analogy of thinking about life in seasons so helpful, that you are in a season and the season will change. It is also very important though to seek out and surround yourself with people who will support you to step into the next season when it arrives.

Now if you will indulge me a little further, I'd like to finish this post with the lyrics of a song written and performed last night by River who is one month away from turning six and like most parents do with their children I marvel at his view of the world and how he puts words together. To give context to this song, we are not raising our boys to follow a particular religion or faith, we talk about the spirit world and the natural world, so with that in mind I soaked in River's song when he performed it for the first time last night.

Standing before his audience of Sol and I with his toy electric guitar around his neck he introduced himself, "Hello my name is River and this song is called 'God'". And then proceeded to sing:

God is special

because they are always there for you

and they help you if you are sad

they are in your head when you dream

they are special and bright

they are special because they are there

forever and ever and ever and ever.

I love that God is plural. I hope this post has been a helpful start for those who are wanting to move forward with their dreams and passions. Or even with just folding the washing. What if we never folded the washing again?!

be careful what you wish for

Early last week I was thinking about dropping River off at school, returning home with Sol and 'taking the day off'. Day off = instead of focusing all my energy into finding a way to work through my list of tasks and balance it out with activities with/for Sol I would just be. Instead of a 'to do' list, 'to be' was the goal (see I still need a goal). But when you are a parent you can't call the office and say 'I won't be in today' so this plan was going to be my next best thing.

What happened? The morning after I had the 'take a day off' thought, I woke up with a sore throat. As any mother will tell you, catching a cold when you are a mum does not equate to sipping lemon tea and quiet bed rest whilst your body does its healing work. No. Having a cold when you are a mum, well in my experience, equates to making a speedy recovery because domestic duties, family life and freelance writing with a sore throat, aches, chills and headache is no fun.

So while I didn't put myself to bed for a whole day I did sip lemon, ginger, honey and echinacea tea, I did have a nap one day when Sol had his (me sleeping in the day is unheard of, I relish that quiet time to be awake on my own) I also sipped chicken broth laden with garlic, I gargled saltwater, I skipped reading duty at school, cancelled a trip to Melbourne and basically I was on a 'go slow' for the week. Each of those small healing details - rest, remedies and saying 'no' - added up to me feeling better, feeling like I had nurtured myself and that I was recharged.

If you are in the midst of a cold I wish you the best with finding moments of renewal, ditto if you are caring for sickies. And if you're wishing for a 'day off' make it a very clear wish that doesn't include catching a cold!

What happens in your house when you have a cold? Who looks after you?

Happy Monday.

breastfeeding

Each year the mainstream media do their best to churn out a few stories portraying breastfeeding as something unusual, unnatural, sexualised or something for mothers to be embarrassed or ashamed about, for instance those mothers who do vs. those who don't, those who stop after a few months vs. those breastfeeding three year olds.

Being a long time breastfeeding mama myself I couldn't resist weighing in on the matter, particularly as I'm still breastfeeding my youngest son Sol who is two and a half (he and I pictured above). I breastfed Sol's older brother River until he was two and then for River's second birthday I decided the gift I was going to give both he and I was: weaning. Within two nights our breastfeeding days were done. We were both ready for that to happen.

Not so with Sol who is far more attached to being breastfed than River was. I am growing physically weary of feeding and am looking forward to having my body back. Slowly, slowly.

Today I came across this article 'Getting rid of the breastfeeding taboo' written by Australian author and mother Tara Moss about her experience of breastfeeding her daughter, the article also includes a lot of facts and figures about breastfeeding in Australia and the general lack of support many new mothers experience in their effort to breastfeed. Tara is the UNICEF Patron for Breastfeeding, for the Baby Friendly Health Initiative which aims to protect, promote and support breastfeeding in Australia.

Before having children I didn't imagine I would breastfeed for more than the first year of my children's lives. I've been very fortunate that my experience of learning to breastfeed was very straight forward - no cracked nipples, no difficulty with attachment, no mastitis.

The Natural Way to Better Breastfeeding by Francesa Naish and Jan Roberts is the number one book I recommend to any breastfeeding mother. I referred to it daily in the beginning months of feeding. Franseca and Jan are natural health and fertility practitioners and have written a number of excellent books about conception, pregnancy and birth.

If you haven't yet visited Marvellous Kiddo, one of the series I enjoy on this great blog is the art and photography series celebrating breastfeeding mamas such as this photo by Dorothea Lange.

This has turned into a long post! And its not over yet, below is a story I started a few years ago about breastfeeding and I've just finished it now.

Feel free to leave a comment if you have something to say about your experiences of breastfeeding or the media's role in making it look unnatural.
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Would you like a glass of water love?

When pregnant with my first child I wondered what will it be like to breastfeed? Would I be able to? Would my baby take to it easily? I felt nervous at the thought of it not happening easily. So, during my pregnancy I read books on breastfeeding, browsed the internet and studied the Australian Breastfeeding Association website. I listened to stories from my aunt and sister-in-law who breastfed their children for two or more years. I also heard friend’s stories of suffering cracked nipples, back, neck and shoulder pain, having difficulty attaching their baby to the breast, not enough milk or too much milk. My aunt and my sister-in-law were really the only two women who spoke of the experience with fondness. Despite my quiet nervousness I knew breastfeeding my baby was the natural thing to do, I also knew reading and hearing stories were one thing, doing would be another.

On July 29 2006, after 10 hours of labour our beautiful son was born naturally and to my relief he latched on to my breast and sucked with strength. From day one I felt no pain, within two days I had an abundance of milk, my nipples didn’t crack and my baby gained weight literally before my eyes. As perfect as this experience sounds, in my early newborn daze I felt twinges of how women can feel depressed when first attempting to breastfeed.

Recovering from labor was a greater task than I imagined: the physical pain of sitting, standing, walking and even laying down left me craving just a moment to breathe, to have my body to myself. But no, my body was working round the clock to produce milk and the little being I had brought into the world wanted and needed to be fed, wanted to suck at my breast at anytime of the day and night regardless of how exhausted I felt. The support and encouragement from my partner cannot be underestimated. He brought me countless glasses of water while I fed River and reminded me that the feeling of exhaustion would pass and encouraged me to sleep while River slept.

In decades gone by women learned to breastfeed by watching their mothers, aunties and sisters, who were supported by other women to do so. Today some women will not have held a baby til they have one of their own, much less regularly witness women breastfeeding. It seems what is natural has become unnatural. Breastfeeding takes time and commitment, you have to want to do it, you have to be supported to do it by your family, friends and community. An example of this kind of support happened when my son was four months of age we were walking along a local shopping strip and it came time for a feed. I sat on a bench outside a hairdressing salon and began to feed, the salon owner came out and asked, ‘Would you like a glass of water love? I remember how it was.’ I was so touched by her support.

My friend Maria who breastfed her three beautiful girls gave me a valuable piece of advice before I gave birth to River at a birthing centre and that was, for the time I stayed at the birthing centre each time River was to feed to ask a midwife to be by my side. That way, I had support from the very first feed and my nipples were less likely to be damaged if someone was there to guide me through those early feeds.

At first, I felt quite overwhelmed that my baby depended on my milk to survive and thrive. What if I didn’t have enough? What if he didn’t gain weight? As River and I settled into our breastfeeding rhythm my overwhelm eased and I was thrilled to see him grow and know that I really was sustaining him. I loved the convenience of breastfeeding. No bottles to carry around, no need to make sure there was enough formula in the house or packed in a bag if we were going away. Another aspect I totally value about my experience of breastfeeding River and now Sol is the way it connected us, fulltime breastfeeding meant I had to be with them. 

I’ve chosen to be with our boys around the clock during the formative years of their lives and that has included breastfeeding day and night. I count my blessings it was easy for me to do. To new or pregnant mothers reading this, like everything else in parenting, breastfeeding is a ‘season’ a period of time that begins and ends, for some it is a smooth, enriching season for others it is stormy; whatever shape the season takes for you speak up early when you need help (or if you have too much ‘help’ speak up) and above all else trust your instincts and enjoy your baby. All too quickly you’ll be wondering what to put in their lunchbox.

attitude is everything

My nan (pictured left) and Pete's mum (on right) are visiting River's school today for Grandparents Day. This occasion has raised an unexpected wellspring of emotion in me - which I have to say I find inconvenient when this happens! - but anyway happening it is. Partly an emotional hangover from Mother's Day but the other part is the pure love and admiration I feel especially for my nan who is such an inspiration to me, and all the women of her generation who raised their children back in the days before lattes, baby cinos, 'me' time and dads who washed dishes.

My nan and Pete's mum are a year apart in age, (in their eighth decade shhh! they don't look it or talk much about that), their resilience is something I am in awe of.

Nan raised her four children while my grandfather could be counted on to drink his pay check and turn the house upside down.  To feed herself and her children my nan sewed. Dress after dress, alteration after alteration, with children climbing on her lap her sewing machine hummed along and nan just 'got on with it'. When nan's youngest child, my aunty, was 14 they went to live with my great-grandmother another great woman I was blessed to have in my life. By this time, nan's three sons - my dad and my uncles - were living independently off in the world doing their own thing.

Nan is an exceptionally capable and unflappable woman. I have never heard a bitter word spoken by her about my grandfather who passed away 2 years ago. In fact, they remained in contact over the years. My grandfather had stopped drinking in the latter part of his life and had better relationships with my aunt and one uncle. Nan is eternally optimistic about life and lives by the motto, "attitude is everything and as long as you have good health that's all that matters."

The quality I admire so much about Pete's mum is that despite a very difficult family life as a child she went on to create a loving family life with her husband and Pete and his sister and also became a Nanny to two families who she is still very much part of their lives today. Pete's mum's kindness and generosity is inherent in her nature.

The year nan was turning 70, my aunt and I were planning a party for her. Plans changed though when nan announced that she had met a fella and that he had asked her to go travelling with him. First stop was Darwin (from Melbourne where nan lived to Darwin by road is 3,754 kilometres). As her family we were slightly speechless but nervously happy for nan who was off on an incredible adventure. On her seventieth birthday nan rang me from Broome in Western Australia where she had just watched the camel train walk along Cable Beach as the sun was setting, her beau Bob by her side. The lightness and joy in her voice, she sounded like a teenager. I was so happy for her it was a gift I couldn't have given her and it beat the barbecue party in the backyard my aunt and I were planning.

Nan and I on my wedding day

Today I am happy for River that he gets to have his grandmother and great grandmother see him in action at school, and Bob will be there too. And I am happy for all the grandparents because I know the boundless joy their grandchildren bring.

Who are the inspiring women in your life? Are you lucky enough to have great grandparents?

mama's little helper

I’ve cut caffeine, wheat, dairy, alcohol and all forms of sugar including fruit out of my diet for 12 weeks, I have a month to go! Planet Organic herbal teas have been a saviour during this time, particularly the Female Balance blend – certified organic licorice root, sage leaf, nettle leaf, chamomile flowers and lemongrass.

The licorice root gives the sweetness I am searching for and the chamomile and sage takes the edge off my freyed witching hour nerves. Nettle is a natural detoxifier, and lemongrass aids digestion. Giving up sugar is no easy task, goodbye 3pm chai with honey, goodbye date and coconut roll, goodbye chocolate. I had no idea I was addicted to sugar, but that is a whole other post. 

A simple cup of this fragrant, naturally sweet and uplifting herbal tea is my new best friend.