warning: having children can ruin your relationship

This is the stuff no one tells you when you have children and not many people talk about until it's too late.

So today I thought I'd talk about it. Get things out in the open.

I hope you'll join the discussion.

Now that I am through the other side of babies and toddlers of endless sleepless nights, of clothes splattered with baby vomit and mashed pumpkin, of wondering if my husband and I would ever have a moment together where there wasn't a baby or child between us, I feel qualified to speak.

My eyes are wide open to the friends around me who are going through the early season of parenting, who are just starting out on family life trying to find their way with it all and well, feeling like they're failing.

Well here's the newsflash: living with babies and little people is HARD!!

No matter how cute they are, no matter how much your heart feels like it is actually going to break with love every time you look at them, early parenthood stretches our emotions and priorities to the extreme.

I'm writing about this because it is an all too common story of couples splitting up when their children are in this newborn/toddler stage and when I hear about it I can't help but think "if only you'd hung in there!"

Of course this is a massive generalisation that if they'd hung in there longer everything would be ok, perhaps it wouldn't, perhaps they were only hanging in there by a thread before baby arrived but if anything is going to test the strength of that thread a baby will!

For what it's worth, here are my tips for having children and keeping your relationship alive and well.

1. Surrender to and accept the fact that having children changes who you are and your life forever.

Soak that in for a minute.

Its a big one.

So many people keep thinking that their life will 'go back to normal' once the baby sleeps through the night, once the baby is eating solids, once the baby is walking.

This is the new normal, there's no going back, time will never be your own again (except maybe once they move out of home). And none of that's a bad thing. Your attitude is so important.

2. Speak up early.

As soon as you start to feel like you need a break/a nap/a footrub/more support, speak up. And if you aren't heard or understood by your partner ask a friend or family member.

3. Stay ahead of resentment

See tip number 2. If you don't speak up early a couple of things will happen. I call it the volcano effect, the resentment builds and builds until the inevitable explosion. Just as much as you are adjusting to the demands of parenting, so is your partner, don't turn it into a competition of who is doing more, whose job is harder. Work together.

4. Get some sleep

Beg, borrow or steal some sleep. Everything is harder and more emotional when you are sleep deprived. I was never one for day sleeping when my babes were little (probably to my detriment) so I used to force myself to make a cup of tea and actually put my feet up while I drank it. Even this small rest helped. A 10 minute nap while your baby sleeps, and going to bed early can mean the difference between sanity and tears - yours not the baby's!

5. Have some time out

This can feel so hard for some new mums, especially first time mums. "I'm ok, I can keep going" I used to think. "I love my baby I don't want to leave it with anyone else!" I used to think. But if you can, you will feel better for it. Even a walk around the block or a long shower or bath. In Robin Barker's fantastic book Baby Love she makes the point that if we are always around our partner doesn't get the opportunity to be with the baby and learn for themselves how to do things without feeling like they are being watched, leave baby with your partner or another family member or friend and have some time out.

6. Seek older wiser counsel

Once upon a time we lived in the village with grandmothers and aunties who were ahead of us on the path, who could fill us with wise counsel. Unfortunately the village isn't on our doorstep but it is there if you look for it. It might be your maternal and child health nurse, it might be your mum, or your neighbor. I'm blessed with a fairy godmother, aunties, grandmother, mother-in-law and sister-in-law I can call on if not always for babysitting at least for a chat when things get hard or confusing. Talking always puts things back in perspective.

7. If you're looking for your libido

The degree of this varies for everyone but ranks high on the list for causing tension post baby. You're exhausted, you're breastfeeding, your body is recovering from giving birth in every possible way, the only intimacy you want is with your pillow. Like so many aspects of motherhood as a society we can have really unrealistic expectations and ideas about 'what is normal' about when is too soon or not soon enough for your libido to find you again. Natural New Age Mum has put together a great post on this with thoughts and tips on 'what's normal' and what to do about it.

8. Never be too capable

My fairy godmother taught me this one when my first baby was born. This is a hard one especially I think for women of today who have had successful careers they somehow transfer career brain to motherhood and that's not really how it works. If you are too capable you are not allowing your partner to develop their skills and you are putting high expectations on yourself to be able to 'do it all'.

9. Make time for your relationship.

This really is the most important one. Remind yourself of why you fell in love with each other, those qualities are still there even if they're hidden under tiredness and raw emotion. Make date night a priority, it can be as simple and inexpensive as watching a movie together - make it a comedy!

Relationships are precious. They take work. They need nurturing. If you've neglected yours or you're feeling neglected, talk about it. If you find it hard to come up with the words write it down first. And do get some sleep it makes all the difference.

Love to hear your thoughts on this one in the comments.

10 lessons from 10 years of parenting

10 years ago last Friday Pete and I became parents.

A beautiful baby boy came into the world, we named him River and he continues to delight and intrigue us, to challenge us and indirectly call us to be better versions of ourselves.

Decade birthdays feel like milestones more than the others, even River said on his tenth birthday, "Mum, you know how people ask if you feel different when you turn a year older? Well usually I don't but this year I do".

There is no one handbook for parenting that has all the answers. Although, I do love the series of books by Sarah Napthali 

The work of raising children is more complex than what can be found in a book. You see, the challenge and joy in parenting is that each soul has its own purpose to fullfil, its own karmic journey.

Yes I believe in the woo woo, the wider cosmic story that takes us down paths we sometimes don't know why we're following. I believe it is this bigger story, the unfinished business from previous generations that comes through in our DNA that adds to the variables of what 'works' with one child and not with the other.

I don't have all the answers but I thought from my ten years of parenting I'd share some of what I've learnt so far:

1. Honour the soul of the individual child. This is how I parent. Yes I know that sounds woo woo too but there you go. This by no means means I make excuses or allowances for my boys in some hippy trippy kind of way it means I notice the differences in my kids and parent them accordingly. My two sons have different personalities, different interests, different strengths and weaknesses, different lessons to learn in this life and I aim to honor these differences in the way I parent. This means noticing what they're interested in and supporting and encouraging them to pursue those interests and talents, even when they're resistant. And it means setting boundaries and expectations to help them overcome what I can see is challenging for them.

2. Teach your child responsibility from a young age. There's no point waiting until your child becomes a teenager and then expecting them to instantly be responsible and start picking up after themselves. Start early. I know it feels easier and quicker to do things yourself but it doesn't help anyone in the long run, not you, not your child, not their future boss or future partner.

3. Say yes. I learnt this one from a dear friend who is a wise mother of four and grandmother of four. When your child asks you to play with them, forget the dishes and play with them. The childhood years are fleeting. There will come a day where they won't want to kick a ball with you, draw pictures with you, play monopoly with you (no not monopoly! anything but monopoly!) Play. Good for you, good for them. Watch how happy it makes them. But more than that it is a case of actions speak louder than words, you are showing your child you love them and are interested in what they're doing rather than just telling them.

4. Don't hide behind your children. It took me a while to realise this, sometimes I was using my children as an excuse for not doing things personally and professionally. Ouch! That was hard to admit. There were things that I would put off under the guise of 'my children need me' when really my children will always need me in one form or another so if there are things I want or need to do for myself then it is a matter of making it happen. The making it happen part can be tricky if you are one like me who struggles to ask for help or let someone else take over for a while. Keep it in mind.

5. Practice communicating clearly and openly with your partner about parenting. What happens when one parent is cool with video games and the other isn't? Eating junk food? Watching tv everyday? Smacking? Time out? Being on a different page from your partner about how to raise your children can be the source of so much tension. And the problem is these are not really things most people discuss until they are on the job and the children are in front of them! The only way to deal with this is directly and honestly - but not in the heat of the moment. Over a cup of tea, a glass of wine, take a walk together, talking things through when you're both relaxed is the ideal way. And if it is really tough for you to work this out together then consider talking with a counsellor together. It is really important to get this right because mixed messages to your children doesn't help them.

6. Make it a priority to keep your own cup full. I have a friend who schedules in massages and facials into her diary like she does a dentist appointment. She doesn't feel guilty for making time for herself. At this stage my finances don't allow for monthly massages and facials but a walk on the beach is free, a cup of coffee is cheap, time with girlfriends is priceless. Making time to hear your own thoughts and re-connect with who you are is actually vital to the health, happiness and well-being of your whole family.

7. Nurture self-esteem. With both of my children in school now I've come to realise that nurturing their self-esteem is really the best thing we can do as parents to help see them through life's storms and joys. And one of the best ways to do this is to provide them with opportunities to find out what they're good at or what they enjoy and encourage them. I witnessed this when my youngest son started playing tennis, it came easily to him, he walked taller because of it. Jobs around the house play an important role in this too believe it or not. Having a sense of belonging and purpose is important for well-being, by giving our children responsibilities around the house we are giving them the opportunity to feel a sense of belonging, that they are valued, that what they contribute matters and in turn an opportunity to feel good about themselves. You can read more about self-esteem here.

8. Get to know your children's friends and their parents. Socialisation is a huge part of parenting. Teaching your children how to be in social situations through leading by example is something I think is important. Having their friends over, having your friends over are great opportunities to teach your kids about how to communicate and how to be a good friend. Socialising doesn't come naturally and easily to everyone, parents included! But I think it is a really important part of life and something to share with our children. By having your children's friends in your house from a young age I believe you are setting up open lines of communication that will help you through the teenage years. Which leads me to my next point...

9. Each stage prepares you for the next stage. I remember talking to a mum of grown up sons asking her secret for surviving the teenage years and her answer brought me so much relief 'each stage prepares you for the next stage' and how true it is. Now that my boys are in primary school, those new born days are but a memory. The challenges of surviving on little to no sleep, daytime naps, introducing solid food, things that consumed my days and thoughts are over and we have slipped into the next stage, almost without noticing and we are dancing and weaving our way through this stage as we will with all the rest ahead.

10. Enjoy your children. I've saved the best til last. In the midst of family life it can be all too easy to forget to enjoy our time together. Each age and stage bring challenges but it is so important to enjoy this precious time.

This turned out to be much longer than I thought. I hope there's something useful in there for you!
I'd love to hear your take on raising children.

steve biddulph: raising boys

A couple of months ago Pete and I headed out one evening to hear renowned author, psychologist and speaker Steve Biddulph share his insights into raising boys.

Like every other parent in the room I was hoping that Steve's words would allay my fears of the teenage years and reassure me that if I do x,y and z everything will be alright.

But no. That's not how it works with human beings. Each one of us unique, with a different 'soul map' to reveal and live from.

Steve offered us some universal truths, the main one being spend more time not money with your children but then there are those curve balls and variables that as parents can leave us feeling unprepared and out of our depth. What to do about those?

From his first sentence Steve had the audience engaged, leaning forward in their seats, laughing at his anecdotes and reflecting on their own childhoods and relationships with their fathers. He also let us know from the word go that while people refer to him as a 'parenting expert', he isn't. Steve doesn't want to be put on a pedestal and be expected to have all the answers.

He opened the presentation with the very grisly news that one of the biggest challenges parents of boys face, is keeping their sons alive. This struck a deep chord in me having lost my nineteen year old brother to an alcohol related car accident. In his book Raising Boys Steve writes,

"By fifteen years of age boys are three times more likely than girls to die from all causes combined - but especially from accidents, violence and suicide."

Steve's talk could only get cheerier from here right?

Yes. And no.

On the upside, in the three decades that Steve has been public speaking the number of Dads coming to the talks has increased markedly. (Sorry don't have exact figures for you, but about 40 percent of the audience at the talk we went to were Dads). This can be read two ways, one that Dads are more involved in raising their sons and/or mothers are more vocal about getting their partners to step up.

Loving, present Dads who are interested in finding out who their sons are - as opposed to just trying to turn their sons into younger versions of themselves - and who are clear about setting boundaries and consequences when sons cross those boundaries, these Dads are what every son needs and deserves. But we all know that, sadly more often than not it doesn't work out that way.

When this is the case, that Dads aren't around, Steve spoke about the importance for mothers to seek out great male role models for their sons in uncles, grand-fathers and friends. He also encouraged Dads in the audience to include their sons friends who don't have their Dad in their life when they are going out with their sons.

In a letter to Steve included in his book, a mother writes sums it up,

"Put good men in the path of your son"

I think this can be done even in the stories of men's lives throughout history that you can share with your sons, be they great artists, musicians, activists. Parenting requires us to be creative in our approach. 

Reflecting on Steve's talk as I write this, what I came away with was confirmation that Pete and I are doing all the things we believe will hold our sons in good stead in their life, many of which Steve covered in his talk and covers in more detail in his book. 

Things such as getting our boys to contribute consistently around the house from a young age. No point in waiting until they're fifteen to start helping out, by then you've become their slave! Also, demonstrating to them the values we believe in, being compassionate, respect for self and others and the world we live in, the importance of family and friends, valuing health and well being through the food we eat, through yoga and meditation. Words spoken are not always heard, but actions and experiences are remembered and felt deeply.

One of the hardest parts of parenting for me is the consistency, especially when I'm tired. It is easier to just do the task myself or 'give in', but I know in the long run that doesn't do my boys any favours.

I remember speaking to a husband and wife who raised two sons, the sons now in their mid-twenties living great lives, I confessed my fears about the teenage years and asked for their top tips for raising happy healthy sons. The Dad talked about finding a shared interest, for him and his sons it was playing guitar. And the mum reassured me by saying "that each stage prepares you for the next".

I recommend Steve's book, and to see him speak if you have the opportunity.

I know all the answers aren't found in a book or in another person, they are in ourselves. We can ask for help, look for new ideas but we must trust our instincts as parents, know what's right for our own children by getting to know them and resist getting swept up in the tide of video games, ipads, mobile phones, processed food, alcohol and AFL. It is ok to say no.

Oh, and most importantly remember to make time to have fun and enjoy your children. The washing can wait. x

mini post: my favorite pregnancy and parenting books

(this is me pregnant with River in 2006. My friend Shoshanna Jordan took the portrait I love it as much for the precious time in my life that Shosh captured but also for what she captured in our friendship. Thankyou Shosh xx)

Gentle Birth Gentle Mothering, Dr Sarah Buckley

The Natural Way to a Better Pregnancy, Francesca Naish and Jan Roberts

The Natural Way to Better Breastfeeding, Francesca Naish and Jan Roberts

Growing Great Families, Ian and Mary Grant

Growing Great Boys, Ian and Mary Grant (there is also Growing Great Girls in this series that I haven't read but based on how good these two are I am sure it would be a great read too).

Raising Boys, Steve Biddulph

Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves, Naomi Aldort

Parenting with Soul, Sally Collings

Bhuddism for Mothers, Sarah Napthali

Bhuddism for Mothers of Schoolchildren, Sarah Napthali

Which books would you add to the list? Share in the comments we all need a little inspiration from time to time to keep us going with this parenting gig.

supply + demand

The self-learning continues. Lately I've been feeling the demands of my three beloved males, pushing and pulling, spinning me around as I dance to the beat of their drum. At times the relentlessness of trying to be creative and fulfil my ambitions while tending to domestic and family life with grace, leaves me feeling, well, weighted down and a little off kilter.

And so. What to do? How to come back to centre?

I admit last week was a particularly 'demanding' week, with River having ear infections in both ears, Sol slicing his foot open on a broken piece of glass, Pete having a man flu, my neck and shoulder muscles seizing up, River burning his leg on a steel bucket filled with hot ash, then just as River is getting well Sol cries with ear pain and develops a cough. Oh, and did I mention getting my period and my mother-in-law and her dog arriving to stay?

I remember a similar feeling in my twenties, with friends, where I felt swamped by my need to
over-supply. Instead of easing back, laying boundaries I just pulled out of the friendship. All or nothing just like that, cut off supply. That's not an option this time, nor was it a good choice the previous times.

So, I must adjust my ways so that my three guys adjust theirs. Being married, being a mother, being creative stretches me in the most wonderful ways. The self-learning: it's ok not to be available 'on tap', it doesn't mean I love them any less and they won't love me any less; it's ok to send them to find their own socks, make their own snack and for Dad to step in and me to step out. In fact it is right and important that all of that happens and it is up to me to redirect demands and conserve my supply.

Have you ever taken a holiday without your family? The hour here and there I take to catch my breath, the five hours once a week with River at school and Sol at kinder isn't quite cutting it. I think a mama holiday is on my horizon.

If you have taken some time away where did you go? what did you do? did the missing your family outweigh the 'filling you cup'? or was it just perfect? I'd love to hear.  

monday musings: on parenting

Its true children don’t come with their own personal instruction book explaining how to raise them. No, parenting is very much a learning by doing experience. I’m sure that sometimes children wished their parents came with instruction books too!

From the moment River was born I felt simultaneously in bliss and over-awed, in bliss that this precious little being was ours to love and nurture, and over-awed by the responsibility to ‘get it right’. By get it right I mean parent him to be the best that he can be.

River turned seven a few weeks ago (we celebrated with sushi see above and a bonfire), and I can feel and see the shift in him from childhood to boyhood. I watch him taking the world in, soaking up every nuance of life and the people around him. He is hungry. Hungry to learn, hungry for life. At the end of this next seven year cycle River will be fourteen and heading into the heart of his adolescence. I am conscious of giving him every opportunity, now, at this age, to grow in his confidence and capabilities.

As each birthday comes around for my children I find myself reflecting on the ways they’ve grown and how Pete and I have grown in our parenting. Or not grown. Its a good time to be mindful about what needs some work.

Over-thinking things is something I've done too often in the past, including how to parent. I’ve learned to let that go and found a happy place of being mindful rather than overwrought with analytical thinking that leads to second guessing myself.

I approach parenting with the adage ‘begin with the end in mind’, that is, think about the men and women you’d like your children to become and lay the foundations from birth. Pete and I want our boys to have respect for themselves, for others and for the world they live in. We are raising them to use their initiative and to realise from a young age that they are part of a bigger picture and that starts with contributing in our home.

I look around at the young men and women I know and am curious about how they have been parented, I ask their parents for tips and advice and file them away ready to put into practice.

The biggest obstacles I see on the path of parents and their children in these times are technology, fake food, and added to that for teenagers is the alcohol culture that has become an unfortunate excuse for a rite of passage. How to deal with these obstacles are posts for another day.

At this moment, in this season of my parenting I am filled with joy watching my boy’s personalities and passions unfold. River the actor, fisherman, surfer, guitarist, such a social being, always asking ‘what I have to eat mum?’ Sol the artist, painting daily is his meditation, colour and drawing held his attention from a young age, lost in imaginary play, boundless energy from the moment his eyes pop open, such physical strength, in awe of his big brother.

I am also challenged and tired by hearing ‘no!’ from them and when they squabble and whine.

Above all, I am beyond grateful. Grateful for the opportunity to parent these boys and to do so with Pete who is a wonderful father, who is fully present in every sense of the word. The three of them challenge me to grow, to be the best I can and to dig deeper. Even when I feel exhausted, thinking I can dig no more, I find more and I thank them for that.

Where are you at with parenting? Share your tips and experiences in the comments...

mothers know best

My plans of ice-skating, catching up with kinder friends, visiting my nan in the country have all been thwarted by a very nasty, hard hitting dose of winter ills and chills. Pow. With little warning, River, Sol and I have spent the past four days with fever, chills, hacking coughs, head and body aches. Somehow Pete has escaped the bug and remained well to deal with the mountain of washing that always accompanies sickness and to make us soup and tea.

River and I are steadily climbing our way towards wellness on soup, tea and vitamin C (plus an excellent herbal cough relief concoction by Greenridge). When I placed (pictured) bowl of soup in front of River at 8am yesterday his response was "Chicken noodle soup! For breakfast?!" Yes, today that is breakfast.

Our little buddy Sol's temperature had been hovering around 39.5 for two days and by the third morning even though his temperature had dropped he was still wanting to sleep a lot and was whimpering, I didn't feel at all comfortable with this so I took him off to the doctor who confirmed he has a chest infection. Boo hoo. Poor little man.

As much as I am a food-as-medicine, natural remedy kinda gal and prefer not to give my children antibiotics at the first sign of a sniffle, I do value a diagnosis from a medical doctor for my peace of mind and I am thankful that pharmaceutical medicine exists for times when we need it most. Unfortunately, it is the 'for times when we need it most' part that is lost in the power of advertising and on those driving pharmaceutical company profit lines. 

Like all mothers I find it difficult to see my children unwell and want to make them comfortable and have them in good health again asap. And if I can do that using rest, natural remedies and TLC all the better. If my boys are really unwell and showing no sign of improving, I take them to the doctor. After many years of learning about food as medicine and natural remedies, I trust my judgement and when in doubt I call on like minded friends and family to compare notes and have my trusted natural therapies practitioners I consult too. There is still a lot more learning for me to do and more growing in confidence with caring for my sick children. Making decisions about how to care for your child when they are unwell is one of the many things that there is no preparation for when you become a parent.

Trusting your instinct is of course the most important thing to do. When River was 3 and woke in the night with a cough I had never heard from him before my instinct was to immediately ring an ambulance. And I was so glad I did. He had a severe bout of croup, he had never had croup before, and was taken to hospital in the ambulance with Pete where he had to have oxygen and steroid medication and stay under observation. When I arrived at the hospital later the nurse said never to feel like I was over-reacting, it was always better to seek help than wait and see. This particularly applies to anything to do with breathing!

So, back to Sol and his chest infection. I went to the chemist with a prescription for antibiotics and asked for some children's ibuprofen (brand here is Nurofen). Sol is susceptible to ear infections and in the past when he has had an ear infection if I give him paracetamol he vomits. I talked this over with the doctor and he suggested I try children's ibuprofen if his temperature rose again and he was in pain. An interesting discussion followed with the pharmacist who does not recommend Nurofen for children (she does though stock it) due to the fact is too harsh on their tummies and she has seen an increased incidence Nurofen induced asthma in children, which she said "no one is talking about". Well we are now. The marketing for paracetamol and ibuprofen aimed at treating children is completely irresponsible in my opinion (and that of the pharmacist's), it plays totally on the vulnerability of parent's of sick children. The truth about fever is that it is a natural response to fighting infection and is not in and of itself dangerous, and therefore in the vast majority of cases does not need treating with said products.

If you want to read up on fever in children this fact sheet from the Royal Children's Hospital in Melbourne provides a good summary of what to look for and what to do or not do, and for a more in-depth article go to this pdf file of Kindred magazine and scroll down to page 20 where you will find 'Fever - your child's best friend'.

If you're still reading I hope it was a helpful post, it turned out to be a long one but there are so many things to navigate out there when it comes to health and wellbeing I always think it is worthwhile sharing experience and comparing notes. Here's to good health and good advice when it comes to health care.

book talk: parenting with soul

Sally Colling's book Parenting with Soul - Practical ways to find calm amidst the chaos brims with heart, humour and spirit.

If you're feeling like your soul, your spirit, whatever you like to call it, is lost beneath dirty dishes and crumpled washing then this is the read to fill you up.

Sally and her family don't live in an ashram or have extra hours in their day to dedicate to prayer or meditation. They live in Brisbane where Sally and her husband run their own publishing business working from home and they share the parenting of their two daughters. Sally writes from her own experience of finding ways to connect with deeper thoughts and feelings even when life feels like it is racing along.

In nine neat chapters Sally shares situations and anecdotes that every parent today can relate to, and then follows them up with reminders and ideas to foster and weave spirituality into your family's everyday life. Chapter titles give you a feel for the direction of the book - 'This messy life', 'Gold in the laundry basket', 'Six soul aches and how to cure them', 'Decorate your inner room' and 'Top ten soul practices' were among my favorites.

Each chapter contains a number of mini 'essays' one to two pages in length, making it easy to dip in and out of. Within each chapter there are also a number of highlighted boxes containing practical ways to put soul into your day. Such as, "How to let go today. Meditate on change today: when your thoughts turn to The Thing that would make you happier (...a better relationship with your sister), see yourself in ten years time and imagine your current frustrations and yearnings being a distant memory, as the issues that concern you now are resolved or have become less painful."

Quotes from authors, philosophers and monks such as Thomas Moore, and Thich Nhat Hahn  pepper the text and provoke new ways of viewing your old thoughts, feelings and attitudes.

I'll leave you with this quote from the chapter 'Decorate your inner room'. It is something we all know at our deepest level but it is so good to read it so clearly and be reminded of what really matters.

"It is worth considering, too, that our good fortune doesn't lie in what we have. The real blessing lies in how we respond to those circumstances that are given to us. Our good fortune is not about clothes or houses of cars. It is the daily renewal of our capacity to connect, love, share, bless."

Parenting with Soul - Practical ways to find calm amidst the chaos by Sally Collings. Published by Harper Collins 2011. RRP $27.99

breastfeeding

Each year the mainstream media do their best to churn out a few stories portraying breastfeeding as something unusual, unnatural, sexualised or something for mothers to be embarrassed or ashamed about, for instance those mothers who do vs. those who don't, those who stop after a few months vs. those breastfeeding three year olds.

Being a long time breastfeeding mama myself I couldn't resist weighing in on the matter, particularly as I'm still breastfeeding my youngest son Sol who is two and a half (he and I pictured above). I breastfed Sol's older brother River until he was two and then for River's second birthday I decided the gift I was going to give both he and I was: weaning. Within two nights our breastfeeding days were done. We were both ready for that to happen.

Not so with Sol who is far more attached to being breastfed than River was. I am growing physically weary of feeding and am looking forward to having my body back. Slowly, slowly.

Today I came across this article 'Getting rid of the breastfeeding taboo' written by Australian author and mother Tara Moss about her experience of breastfeeding her daughter, the article also includes a lot of facts and figures about breastfeeding in Australia and the general lack of support many new mothers experience in their effort to breastfeed. Tara is the UNICEF Patron for Breastfeeding, for the Baby Friendly Health Initiative which aims to protect, promote and support breastfeeding in Australia.

Before having children I didn't imagine I would breastfeed for more than the first year of my children's lives. I've been very fortunate that my experience of learning to breastfeed was very straight forward - no cracked nipples, no difficulty with attachment, no mastitis.

The Natural Way to Better Breastfeeding by Francesa Naish and Jan Roberts is the number one book I recommend to any breastfeeding mother. I referred to it daily in the beginning months of feeding. Franseca and Jan are natural health and fertility practitioners and have written a number of excellent books about conception, pregnancy and birth.

If you haven't yet visited Marvellous Kiddo, one of the series I enjoy on this great blog is the art and photography series celebrating breastfeeding mamas such as this photo by Dorothea Lange.

This has turned into a long post! And its not over yet, below is a story I started a few years ago about breastfeeding and I've just finished it now.

Feel free to leave a comment if you have something to say about your experiences of breastfeeding or the media's role in making it look unnatural.
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Would you like a glass of water love?

When pregnant with my first child I wondered what will it be like to breastfeed? Would I be able to? Would my baby take to it easily? I felt nervous at the thought of it not happening easily. So, during my pregnancy I read books on breastfeeding, browsed the internet and studied the Australian Breastfeeding Association website. I listened to stories from my aunt and sister-in-law who breastfed their children for two or more years. I also heard friend’s stories of suffering cracked nipples, back, neck and shoulder pain, having difficulty attaching their baby to the breast, not enough milk or too much milk. My aunt and my sister-in-law were really the only two women who spoke of the experience with fondness. Despite my quiet nervousness I knew breastfeeding my baby was the natural thing to do, I also knew reading and hearing stories were one thing, doing would be another.

On July 29 2006, after 10 hours of labour our beautiful son was born naturally and to my relief he latched on to my breast and sucked with strength. From day one I felt no pain, within two days I had an abundance of milk, my nipples didn’t crack and my baby gained weight literally before my eyes. As perfect as this experience sounds, in my early newborn daze I felt twinges of how women can feel depressed when first attempting to breastfeed.

Recovering from labor was a greater task than I imagined: the physical pain of sitting, standing, walking and even laying down left me craving just a moment to breathe, to have my body to myself. But no, my body was working round the clock to produce milk and the little being I had brought into the world wanted and needed to be fed, wanted to suck at my breast at anytime of the day and night regardless of how exhausted I felt. The support and encouragement from my partner cannot be underestimated. He brought me countless glasses of water while I fed River and reminded me that the feeling of exhaustion would pass and encouraged me to sleep while River slept.

In decades gone by women learned to breastfeed by watching their mothers, aunties and sisters, who were supported by other women to do so. Today some women will not have held a baby til they have one of their own, much less regularly witness women breastfeeding. It seems what is natural has become unnatural. Breastfeeding takes time and commitment, you have to want to do it, you have to be supported to do it by your family, friends and community. An example of this kind of support happened when my son was four months of age we were walking along a local shopping strip and it came time for a feed. I sat on a bench outside a hairdressing salon and began to feed, the salon owner came out and asked, ‘Would you like a glass of water love? I remember how it was.’ I was so touched by her support.

My friend Maria who breastfed her three beautiful girls gave me a valuable piece of advice before I gave birth to River at a birthing centre and that was, for the time I stayed at the birthing centre each time River was to feed to ask a midwife to be by my side. That way, I had support from the very first feed and my nipples were less likely to be damaged if someone was there to guide me through those early feeds.

At first, I felt quite overwhelmed that my baby depended on my milk to survive and thrive. What if I didn’t have enough? What if he didn’t gain weight? As River and I settled into our breastfeeding rhythm my overwhelm eased and I was thrilled to see him grow and know that I really was sustaining him. I loved the convenience of breastfeeding. No bottles to carry around, no need to make sure there was enough formula in the house or packed in a bag if we were going away. Another aspect I totally value about my experience of breastfeeding River and now Sol is the way it connected us, fulltime breastfeeding meant I had to be with them. 

I’ve chosen to be with our boys around the clock during the formative years of their lives and that has included breastfeeding day and night. I count my blessings it was easy for me to do. To new or pregnant mothers reading this, like everything else in parenting, breastfeeding is a ‘season’ a period of time that begins and ends, for some it is a smooth, enriching season for others it is stormy; whatever shape the season takes for you speak up early when you need help (or if you have too much ‘help’ speak up) and above all else trust your instincts and enjoy your baby. All too quickly you’ll be wondering what to put in their lunchbox.

attitude is everything

My nan (pictured left) and Pete's mum (on right) are visiting River's school today for Grandparents Day. This occasion has raised an unexpected wellspring of emotion in me - which I have to say I find inconvenient when this happens! - but anyway happening it is. Partly an emotional hangover from Mother's Day but the other part is the pure love and admiration I feel especially for my nan who is such an inspiration to me, and all the women of her generation who raised their children back in the days before lattes, baby cinos, 'me' time and dads who washed dishes.

My nan and Pete's mum are a year apart in age, (in their eighth decade shhh! they don't look it or talk much about that), their resilience is something I am in awe of.

Nan raised her four children while my grandfather could be counted on to drink his pay check and turn the house upside down.  To feed herself and her children my nan sewed. Dress after dress, alteration after alteration, with children climbing on her lap her sewing machine hummed along and nan just 'got on with it'. When nan's youngest child, my aunty, was 14 they went to live with my great-grandmother another great woman I was blessed to have in my life. By this time, nan's three sons - my dad and my uncles - were living independently off in the world doing their own thing.

Nan is an exceptionally capable and unflappable woman. I have never heard a bitter word spoken by her about my grandfather who passed away 2 years ago. In fact, they remained in contact over the years. My grandfather had stopped drinking in the latter part of his life and had better relationships with my aunt and one uncle. Nan is eternally optimistic about life and lives by the motto, "attitude is everything and as long as you have good health that's all that matters."

The quality I admire so much about Pete's mum is that despite a very difficult family life as a child she went on to create a loving family life with her husband and Pete and his sister and also became a Nanny to two families who she is still very much part of their lives today. Pete's mum's kindness and generosity is inherent in her nature.

The year nan was turning 70, my aunt and I were planning a party for her. Plans changed though when nan announced that she had met a fella and that he had asked her to go travelling with him. First stop was Darwin (from Melbourne where nan lived to Darwin by road is 3,754 kilometres). As her family we were slightly speechless but nervously happy for nan who was off on an incredible adventure. On her seventieth birthday nan rang me from Broome in Western Australia where she had just watched the camel train walk along Cable Beach as the sun was setting, her beau Bob by her side. The lightness and joy in her voice, she sounded like a teenager. I was so happy for her it was a gift I couldn't have given her and it beat the barbecue party in the backyard my aunt and I were planning.

Nan and I on my wedding day

Today I am happy for River that he gets to have his grandmother and great grandmother see him in action at school, and Bob will be there too. And I am happy for all the grandparents because I know the boundless joy their grandchildren bring.

Who are the inspiring women in your life? Are you lucky enough to have great grandparents?

book talk: growing great families

Before getting into the highlights of Ian and Mary Grant's fantastic book 'How to bring out the best in your family - Growing Great Families', I spotted this quote today on a retro postcard:

"My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance". Good huh?

I'm slightly obsessed with wanting to create a family life rich in experiences and opportunities for River and Sol that encourage them to grow with open hearts and minds and that they see themselves as a part of this vast world not the centre of it.

My latest resource on this quest is Growing Great Families. I like the writing style of this New Zealand husband and wife team, it is conversational rather than patronising as some parenting books can be, and their strategies straight forward and achievable. The book covers the years from babies right through to parenting teenagers. There are 13 chapters, beginning with a focus on the importance of community and building foundations, moving through to 'giving your child a moral foundation', 'moving from dependence to interdependence', a chapter about '...different family shapes' such as solo parenting and step-families, and one on parenting 'tricky' kids, who the Grant's describe as "tricky kids are 'more' - more intense, more stubborn, more argumentative"

At the end of each chapter there is a chapter summary in point form. Even if you only read these summary pages you would get a lot out of this book.

One of my favourite messages within these pages was that:

'Children need three R's - Rules, Routines and Ridiculousness'. It is good to be reminded that rules and routines don't have to equal serious all the time.

Others points listed on the summary pages that stood out were:

"Your children will remember the feeling in your home.

Parents, nurture your own resources.

Capitalise on the ages five to 10.

Young children are good observers but poor interpreters of events.

Don't forget to be playful. If you are stuck in power struggles unlatch with a different approach.

Take one-on-one time with each child. Recognise their need for significance."

What are you reading at the moment? What are you loving or loathing about being a parent?

How to bring out the best in your family - Growing Great Families by Ian and Mary Grant, published by Random House Australia, RRP $29.95

parenting 101

Its true babies do not arrive with instructions. The further I get into this parenting gig though the more I think adherence to old fashioned values/rules are the best approach for me and my family.

Last night after dinner River and I spent a very enjoyable creative hour crafting a hat for him to wear in the Easter bonnet parade at school (I have a whole new respect for milliners). "Time for bed" I announced when we'd finished and with that River decided he was hungry and wanted to know what he could eat. I listened to myself say, "You know the rules, there's nothing to eat now you said you'd had enough at dinnertime so that's it til breakfast." And that is the rule in our house, eat what is served for dinner, if the boys are still hungry when they finish they can eat more but if they choose not to eat at dinner time there is nothing else until breakfast. Some friends think this is harsh because it means that some nights our boys may go to bed feeling hungry, I am ok with that though because I do not want to raise children that are allowed to be fussy and demanding. My words "you know the rules" rang in my ears because as the boys get older it feels even more important for Pete and I to be clear between each other exactly what the rules and values in our family are and to then be really clear with the boys what they are and what our expectations are.

Today I share my/our current parenting 'strategy' (a work in progress) and I would LOVE love love to hear what's working/not working in your house.

Strategy (a work in progress)

write down your family rules/values, refer to them often and re-assess to keep them age appropriate.

delay gratification - in our instant gratification world I think this is one of the best teachings we parents can give our children. If you have a tendency to say yes too easily (for peace, because you're tired, because they're tired/hungry etc; and haven't we all?) then practice delaying gratification. This is different to a flat out no, which is a necessary part of the job too, but delaying gratification teaches children patience and ultimately I believe teaches them to appreciate all that you do, give and share with them. In my book, patience and gratitude (graciousness) are two qualities well worth fostering. Whatever children want NOW, teach them how to wait.

begin with the end in mind - the opening line in Ian Grant's book 'Growing Great Boys' is "Growing boys is better than fixing men". I couldn't agree more. Imagine your son or daughter grown up, what qualities do you want to foster in them as children that will carry them into adulthood and through their life. In his book he writes about expecting great things from your children, this is not about achievement rather about great personal qualities.

practice saying no and seeing it through this is similar but slightly different to delaying gratification in that this is a flat out no. This is one I have had to teach myself to be better at because I thought I was already doing it until I realised I could be doing it more often. Toddlers and young children will often respond to 'no' with tears and sometimes tantrums (ok, older children too) standing your ground is important at this point and I've found that the frequency and intensity of the tears lessens as they learn quickly that your no means no.


I follow Gabrielle Blair's blog DesignMom and read with interest her experiences as an American parent living in France and noticing the differences between American parenting and French parenting. American author and mother living in France who has written about her observations and experiences parenting in France is Pamela Druckerman in her book 'Bringing up Bebe'. This article written by Druckerman is informative and entertaining where the mother of three shares the lessons she has learned such as teaching patience and saying no with authority.

Reading list


'Toddler Tactics' by Pinky McKay
'Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves' by Naomi Aldort
'Raising Boys' by Steve Biddulph
'Growing Great Boys' by Ian & Mary Grant
'Growing Great Girls' by Ian & Mary Grant