To this day, the only person in that circle that stands out in my memory is a softly spoken woman in her forties whose vulnerability and nervousness was obvious and the feeling behind her words incomprehensible to me, "I'm here because I've spent the last twenty years of my life raising my children and I haven't really had many interests outside of that so I thought I would try this out."
How could this happen?! My pre-baby self thought. How could any woman's sense of self disappear just because she became a mother and wife?! This woman seemed so lovely and at the same time seemed so, well, lost.
In that moment I vowed to myself that when I had children I would never let that happen to me. I would maintain my sense of self and continue to grow outside of being a wife and mother.
About six weeks into the shiatsu course I found out I was pregnant with River. I was beyond thrilled.
I finished the course but never did return to further my study in shiatsu, and now sitting here just turned forty and eight years into motherhood I have to say I have a whole new understanding of the mother in that circle.
As any mother reading this will know it is VERY easy to become lost in family life. And it is especially easy if like me, you have always been very maternal so have always adored being with children, but also if you are a people pleaser who doesn't like to rock the boat (unless it really needs rocking) and who thinks taking time out or asking for help is selfish and a sign of weakness. That was hard to write.
Without getting too psychoanalytical, I know that these tendencies are rooted deeply in my being and I am only at the beginning of being aware of them and changing my ways. Why change? Because they are no longer serving me. Up until now I have been genuinely happy being so devoted to my family in a way that even some of my closest friends marvel at and don't understand.
However if I'm honest, somewhere along the line I confused being a loving mother and wife with being available on tap to my family and giving, sometimes even when there was very little left to give.
With my youngest turning 5 next month and starting school next year we are entering a new season of family life and a bit like the woman in the shiatsu class I am at a new place of finding myself.
I feel relieved that I 'woke up' before I was completely lost and perhaps filled with regret or worse resentment. I can actively attend to what needs to change within me and continue to give of myself from a full cup rather than running on empty.
Watch this space.
Do you sometimes feel lost in your role as wife and/or mother? What are your tips for self-preservation and self-love? Your words might just help a mum who really needs it.
Oh wow, there were parts of that, that were really hard to read too..
ReplyDeleteThanks for writing this. I'm on this journey of reclaiming me right now. I could so easily be that woman you refered to in your opening paragraph. I'm mid 40's, my kids are 20, 18, 16, and 14. I've confused love with people pleasing and being available 24/7. Now I just feel like a doormat and resent is creeping in around the edges.
Good on you I say for seeing the need to make some changes and doing so now, before it becomes any more entrenched and harder. It's hard enough to admit to yourself and find the courage to change, but when that is coupled with the expectation of your family, and hey they will buck against the change because life has been pretty darn easy and comfortable for them. It's not just my kids who aren't liking the changes it's also my husband. It makes for quite an alone time and requires strength and commitment I never knew I had, and some days still struggle to find.
I keep reminding myself that these children of mine will leave and become functioning adults separate to me and I deserve to have a life that is more than them. Loving kindness begins with the self, and my old ways weren't kind or loving to me and possibly in the long run wouldn't be kind to my children either, but they were easy. Until it stopped being fun for me and I just felt used up and worn out and resentful.
Hmm think I needed to get that out, probably not at all what your were looking for but thanks for being my therapist for today. :)
cheers Kate
Kate thankyou so much for writing so honestly. Your words make me feel like 'I'm not the only one!' and yes I am glad that I worked this out now. It sounds like you are well and truly on your path back to you and in the alone time it is where we find what we really want without the 'noise' of family life. My pleasure to 'listen' and be your therapist for the day :) that makes me smile because that is a bit of a theme in my life, so much so I do think I should get some qualifications and then get paid for doing what comes naturally! Very best wishes to you Kate . Thanks again. xx
DeleteNikki, sometimes I wonder if it's more than just the asking for help that's hard - with no family around and Shane working long hours, I sometimes feel in desperate need for a break, to get back to me. But then I realise that I don't really want to leave my children. (Not when they're little like Clancy, anyway.) I think it's something to do with my Mum leaving me, perhaps it's the same for you? Anyway, I always feel my strength in myself renewed when I spend time with my best girlfriends. Kellie xx
ReplyDeleteI'm slowly beginning to realise Kellie that this issue is also about creating boundaries and having time out for ourselves even when we are present with our family, letting them know 'Im not available right now' it is a bit different for you in the 'season' of motherhood that you are in right now, breastfeeding requires us to be very available! And I certainly didn't want to leave my children for very long when they were as little as Clancy. As you know, mothering without our mothers is a whole post in itself! Probably a book! More time with girlfriends is a good tip and something I am going to schedule in more of. Hugs to you xx
DeleteOh, Nikki, I loooooove this post and you know that it is so close to my heart and the work I do. You are incredible to be so introspective and honestly, I think that you are totally on the right path in reclaiming yourself. I am finding that it is so normal for us mothers to put ourselves at the back of the queue. I find that it is because we love sooooooo much, that we are willing to sacrifice ourselves. In the beginning, it feels good, because, energetically our children are psychically connected to us (Steiner talks about this), but, as they grow and start developing an identity which is separate from us, we start to feel the hole getting bigger and bigger. They no longer fill up that space for us, like they did as babies and it starts becoming our job to fill our own cup. I find that it is more challenging for mothers who come in to motherhood already depleted - the baby seriously overflows the mother's cup with it's love and the mother gets a taste of what it is supposed to feel like to be happy and whole. And as the child inevitably grows, the mother starts feeling an ever deeper ache. This is when resentment starts to come in because the mother has given so much and is no longer feeling that love she was receiving from giving. The nature of the feminine is actually to receive and I believe that the world will be saved when all mothers claim that for themselves. Learning to receive so that they give from an overflowing cup. I am so excited to see what you do on your journey next year. So much love to you. xxx
ReplyDeleteThank you Olga for taking the time to write such a beautiful and considered comment. You have put into words so clearly what I think many mothers feel, so thankyou and for your love and friendship. And for the work you are doing that is an inspiring reminder to me to 'love myself first' :) xxx
DeleteLoved this post Nikki. I entered this phase of life towards the end of last year as well - just before my younger child started school. I have spent this year at uni studying an intense course (typically 18mths but this is condensed into a year wit holiday classes) and have found it absolutely exhilarating. My children only ever had anyone other than us sit with them for the first time late last year and this year my DH and I have reconnected with evening excursions for fun trips. With no family it is harder than people with family can ever understand. Before five it was all for the children but now, after 5, it's time for me to reconsider myself in amongst the family dynamic.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is that it is a powerful lesson to show our children. Mothers are people. I can explain to my children that I can't play with them for the next hour because I have commitments elsewhere - they are old enough to cope with delaying their gratification with my attention and learn to amuse themselves - important lessons which they are capable of learning now. I'm modelling tenacity and work ethic and personal drive - and, as we know, modelling behaviour is the most powerful tool of all.
Good luck on your journey to new Nikki adventures. Remember - you deserve them.
Thanks so much Casso for sharing your experience and for your encouragement of where I am at. I agree wholeheartedly that is it a powerful lesson to show our children. I am curious to know what you are studying? If I allowed myself to be I would be a compulsive student, enrolling in course after course! :) Thanks for the inspiration. Xx
DeleteI'm studying secondary education - English teaching. Since I have a whole lot of issues with the education system, it has been an interesting journey. Surprisingly there is much acceptance for more 'radical' educational theories but they are difficult to put in place in schools due to curriculum requirements which are established by politicians (not educators) and who are informed by parental pressure. It's an interesting dynamic. I'm loving it SO much I can't even begin to explain. I also relish higher education with an almost religious fervour, so the intensity has actually been lovely. The family has survived and even flourished. A few things have had to fall by the wayside (no more individual baking experiences - batch and occasion baking only!) but we live in Sydney so there is great opportunity to buy 'good' foods at a pinch.
Delete'The family has survived and even flourished' there is evidence enough of how important it is for mother's to have a life outside of the one defined my mother and wife. Good for you Casso!
DeleteWhat a great post Nikki. I think most of us lose ourselves to mothering, especially in the first years. I think it comes from a few places, including the realisation (for me at least) that nothing really matters as much as my girls. Jobs, interests, books etc will all be there when they are a bit older, but they're only babies for such a short time.
ReplyDeleteThat said, there are days I do resent that I am no longer Luna or Linda, rather I am Anouk and Delphi's mum. Nick is as supportive of my feelings as he can be, but he really can't have a full understanding of how lonely and demoralising it can be to go from an interesting, artistic academic to an unwashed, tired maid (because at times that's how it feels).
I guess only time will tell how I fare once my youngest turns five (and considering I'm not done with babies who knows when that will be), but with women like you as friends, online and in real life, I can't really go wrong.
Thanks for a wonderful post and I look forward to seeing how your new chapters progresses. Linda. x
Nawww thanks Linda for your lovely words and for your honesty, you say it like it is the wonderous loving side of mothering and the decidedly unglamorous and at times unfilfilling side! And by the way the interesting artistic academic is still within you, she is just taking a little 'holiday'. I think I have written here before that an older wise friend of mine told me when River was a baby 'this time in your life will enrich you in ways you can't know yet' those words brought me so much comfort and were completely true. Thanks for your friendship and support and for being a regular commenter here and on facebook I do appreciate that you take the time to share your thoughts and experience. xxx
DeleteI remember being very resentful at the loss of self when my children were little I had to keep reminding myself it was just a temporary situation. We have decided to home educate so it is really important for me to look after myself and make time for me otherwise I would always be lost. When I am really busy it is always this that gets put aside but I haven't found a way to balance everything as yet.
ReplyDeleteI take my hat off to you in your decision to home educate. In some ways I am cut out for it and in other ways I am not, and probably the same goes for my children now I think about it! I like what you say about reminding yourself that it was a temporary situation, I find it helpful to do that too. Best wishes to you finding your balance xx
Delete