Wednesday, November 20, 2013

seventeen: an anniversary



I think it is only fair to warn you, this is potentially a need-some-tissues kind of a post. I'll thank you in advance for reading this part of my family story that I felt like telling.

I was washing the dishes last Friday afternoon, staring at the suds when the date popped into my head - the 15th, the 15th of November. "Dale's anniversary" I thought.

Some years I remember, some years I don't. My next thought leapt to his best friend who lives a suburb away from me, whose children go to the same school as my River and who ironically named his first born River too; I wondered if he was remembering Dale on this day.

Dale was my only sibling, my brother who died too young and suddenly seventeen years ago. I write this not with sadness but with pure love and fondness as I feel the bond we shared and in a different form continue to share. For that is how much I have grown in my grief, how far I have come emotionally, spiritually, philosophically since that initial heart wrenching moment when the words landed in my ears that he had died.

It is a fairly unbelievable tale, but they do say life is stranger than fiction. As long time readers here know, my mum died of a sudden heart attack also seventeen years ago when my brother was 19 and I was 21. We were shocked and thrown off course by our mother's death and sadly grief consumed my brother.

It is actually impossible to explain the feelings that accompany grief. Shock, sadness, missing, longing, anger, fear, relief, confusion, nausea...they are just words. No two people grieve in the same way, even when they share a common loss as Dale and I did with our mother, the way each person grieves is as unique as their fingerprint.

Dale plummeted into 'drinking with mates' 'cause that's what blokes do, right? Where I think we're going wrong with perpetuating the Aussie drinking culture that damages and kills so many Australians each year is a whole other post and whole lot heavier than I wanted to get today but sadly for my brother and our family it was his binge drinking that killed him.

On a Friday night he was drowning his considerable sorrows at a local pub, his best friend was there and did the right thing "You've had enough, I'm driving you home", they left the pub together at 7pm. My brother asked to be dropped off not far from his house so he could buy some take away food, Dale got out at the shop and said he'd walk the rest of the way home. His friend drove off thinking he'd done the right thing.

Instead of walking home, Dale walked back to the pub and continued drinking with some other friends. they left the pub around 11pm and parted ways. Before I explain what happened, let's remember that his best friend felt Dale had drunk enough at 7pm add four more hours of drinking and you get an idea of how intoxicated my brother was by the time he attempted to walk home.

Outside the pub was a six lane highway that my brother attempted to cross in his extremely drunken state. At 11.10pm on November 15th 1996 Dale was hit by a car and died at the scene of the accident, five months to the day since our mother had died.

I thought I would never recover. I thought sometimes if I didn't force myself to stop crying that the emotion would just swallow me up and I would never be able to claw my way back...back to what?

When someone close to you dies and you are in the depths of grief you keep waiting for life to 'go back to normal', in fact it is a bit similar to when you have a baby and you land on planet newborn the depths of emotion you didn't know you had in you, crack you open and you wait and wonder 'When will life go back to normal?' Well, as anyone who has grieved or had a newborn knows this is the new normal there's no going back.

My mother's and brother's lives and deaths have shaped who I am today. I have many blessings from having known and loved them, and from losing them too. I did recover. I did more than recover, I grew. And I haven't stopped.

Blessings to each of you who are grieving or remembering their loved ones xxx

20 comments:

  1. Oh my. I really do enjoy reading your blog- your wisdom, kindness and gentle approach to life, the way you celebrate the very essence of life through delicious and beautiful food and the caring and honest way you speak about your family. These devastating circumstances may have shaped who you are, but I imagine your mother and your brother must feel so proud that you live keenly aware of the vulnerability of life and celebrating its richness, beauty and fragility. Namaste

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    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to leave your beautiful, thoughtful words here it means a lot and is so lovely to find them here. And I am so happy to read that I manage to convey through my blog how I live my life your last sentence captures it perfectly. Thank you x

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  2. Oh Nikki, I don't have any words. Just tears for you. Much love to you, xx

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    1. thank you sweet Vanessa. I think it is sometimes harder for people hearing/reading the story for the first time than for me who has lived it for so long! Thank you for reading it and sending love I appreciate it xx

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  3. In all our conversations I don't ever remember you telling me that you brother had passed. I remember stories of him and they have always been told to me with such love and life force that I assumed he was still alive. I am so very sorry Nikki as I know from my own family history how those scars never heal. You are an inspiration in a time when I am creating a new normal, thank you for being my friend. x

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    1. Kate the Great, love it! Because you are great and are doing a beautiful job of creating your new normal. It is my heartfelt pleasure to be your friend, especially at this time in your life. Much love and thanks for your words here xx

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  4. Sending all my love Nikki. A beautiful reminder to hug our loved ones extra tight each now and then xx

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    1. Thanks Jen. I know you too know the preciousness and fragility of life. Thanks for your words and the reminder to yes hug our loved ones extra tight xx

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  5. Oh my. Thank you for sharing this. I'm not sure I've ever commented but this post definitely warrants one. I enjoy your blog very much. Blessing to you

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    1. Lori thank you for your comment I appreciate you taking the time to write here and of course really thrilled to hear you enjoy visiting my blog. Xx

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  6. Nikki, what a beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing this part of you. Luna. x

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    1. Thanks Luna. I wondered about sharing this here but I am glad that I have x

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  7. My younger brother died in a car accident on 28th January 1997, just after his 20th birthday. I've no words for you and i don't know you, but from one who might understand just a little of what you've been through, I send love xo

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    1. Pam thank you. Sorry to hear that you have lost a brother too I appreciate you sharing your experience. Love and blessings to you too xx

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  8. Hello my darling, I have to admit that I read this yesterday but wanted to sit with it a bit before I commented, even now I don't think my words can capture what I am thinking. I read this post with a welling in my heart and so much sadness for you but then I saw and i gazed at your strength and the beauty and knowledge you have gathered from these events and it blew me away. I have so much admiration and wonder for you and would love to sit with you with a cup of something warm and learn from you. Death is so tricky in this western world and you seem to have grown from it in a way that is an inspiration. Much love to you and your precious ones.

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    1. Thank you sweet Jay. I appreciate your considered words and would very much love a cuppa with you any time! Much love talk soon xxx

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  9. I'm sending my love. You are so strong. Im x

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    1. Thank you Imogen. Your love and words are so appreciated x

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  10. Beautiful post Nikki, you really have a talent with words and a wisdom about life. Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Liz, thank you that is such a lovely thing to say I appreciate it. X

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Thanks for your comments. I read every one!

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